No, I Do Not Want A Skinny Booze Anything

I was recently asked if I'd ever had a skinny margarita. "You mean, like, in a sex-type way?" No, it turns out they just mean a lower-calorie margarita. "Is that a fancy way of ordering two shots of tequila with salt and a lime?" Apparently, it's not.

Ordering drinks "skinny" isn't a particularly new trend in boozes, but it is particularly annoying. There are Real Housewives building skinny drink empires, there are books devoted to skinny drink recipes -- Blue Mesa even offers a recipe for a skinny margarita on our Internet.

For those of you who constantly order these skinny beverages, I have some questions:

Firstly, what? (Subquestion: But, seriously?)

Secondly, why do you hate yourself so much? And if you don't hate yourself, why do you insist on drinking when you clearly don't appreciate a good drink?

All right, so you're counting calories. Because it's January and you decided you want to be healthy, right? Fine. So, why are you drinking at all? Isn't booze against the good-for-you beverage laws?

Maybe you're cheating a little because you need to let loose. Fantastic! THEN FUCKING DRINK A REAL DRINK. Good booze everywhere is shaking its head at your skinny sweet tea vodka. Even Jack Daniels is embarrassed. And he knows he's a total piece of trash.

If you're ordering the skinny drink when you're out with your friends, you're the same person who's ordering the salad greens with oil and vinegar dressing at the steakhouse, aren't you? Congratuboringlations, you win at ruining fun. It's Friday night. C'mon. How about some mashed potatoes and a vodka tonic?

Either enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage or 12, or don't. All I know is, if you're counting calories while you're drinking, you're doing it wrong. Miller 64, I'm looking at you. I'd rather drink a meth head's piss (aka PBR) than chug one of you. And the "active lifestyle" ads you're running are super insulting to athletes everywhere. Do you think that just because people run, swim, hike or bike regularly that suddenly they have no idea what delicious tastes like? And after they've done the Triple Iron Man montage your ad shows, I'm pretty sure they've earned a fucking real beer. If I ever went on a hike with a friend, and he busted out Miller 64s at the top of the mountain to celebrate, I would punch him up the nostril. And he would immediately know why and would fully accept this.

When your friends order a skinny drink, please immediately follow their order by ordering yourself a "Tubtown Margarita" or a "Gut-Maker Cosmo." This must end.

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