Editor's note: To spare you the suspense -- and possible expense -- we're just going let you know upfront: Gavin here is talking about North Main BBQ, 406 North Main St., Euless. So, please, no matter how often he asks -- and that will be often -- do not send him cash, checks, bank account information or your Social Security number. Remember, while he's a charming Brit, he's also a furriner.
A Consumer's Guide to Profiting from Barbecue
Sure. You're a hungry person. We all get hungry. We're in this hunger thing together, stumbling from one meal to the next, while trying to pay the rent, the bills, the car, gas, everything else really. You don't have much left over, but you need to eat. And you need to eat well.
It just so happens that I, some guy you've never heard of, am a renowned motivational speaker and barbecue critic. I'm here for one day only to tell you a little story which shows that not only is nothing impossible, but that you can pay all your bills, drive a car about like a grown-up and most vaguely of all make your food work for you, because you deserve nothing but the best, like everyone else in the world.
"Barbecue is expensive! Do you think I'm some sort of money tree, from which money just detaches, due to an excess of other money crowding my branches?" "Do I look like I can pay $15 a pound for meat every day, like some sort of rib tycoon?" "I like brisket, but the bank has foreclosed on the expensive smoker I bought, and now I can't even afford to buy meat in half-cow quantities! What am I going to do?" These are just some of the questions that no one has ever asked me.
What if I let you, hungry consumer, in on a little secret? Not just a little secret, but a BIG secret. Not just a BIG secret, but a secret the size of a smoker disguised as an armadillo. Well, friend, for just 20 easy payments of $99.99, I will reveal to you the location of a restaurant that will sell to you all the barbecued meats you can possibly eat for just $15 a visit, including ice cream, drink and tax. "That's impossible!" I hear you cry. "How could anyone afford NOT to eat there?" I hear you, brother. But such a place exists. And you can drive there, in the car you can now afford with all the savings you're going to make on smoked meat, powered by the gas that no longer seems so expensive. If you sign up with my program, it'll pay for itself in meat savings in the first 10 years. After that, you're just looking at straight meat profit FOREVER. Why, even with the added cholesterol levels you'll be experiencing, you're looking at a straight decade of savings. And who else can promise you that?
Sure, the meat's not chew-your-own-face off good. But it is way more than passable quality, and some of it is even approaching delicious (especially the ribs). Brisket! Sausage! Ribs that won "World's Best Ribs" as recently as 1988! Chicken! Pulled pork! Salad! Iced tea served in a bucket!
As part of our special deal, I'll throw in a lifetime subscription to my Dallas Observer blogs, a hat made entirely from meat (subject to availability), and you can even get up-to-the-minute advice from my personal website on what you should be eating, to make your visits as profitable as possible. Don't throw away all your money on barbecue. Throw all your money away on me, and then profit FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
This is a limited term offer. No refunds. Cancellation prohibited. Location only revealed upon receipt of 20th payment. Value of meat may go down as well as up. Eat responsibly.
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