Please Stop Making Me Chew My Drinks, World

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Drinks are for drinking, not for chewing. I thought this was obvious. But then I bought a coconut water from the grocery store. "With pulp" it said. "OK, that's probably like orange juice with pulp," I replied. I opened the can, took a sip, and that's when the pulpy can of coconut water revealed itself to be an inconsiderate asshole. Just like the end of a Mission: Impossible movie, the coconut water can took its cute coconut-photo label off and revealed itself to be Jon Voight. Dammit, John Voight.

As I was sipping the 'nut water, my mouth immediately informed me that "with pulp" on a coconut water can means "with meaty chunks of squishy coconut." Which, for me, also appears to mean, "Yep. You threw up."

Lesson: Do not consume pulp in your 'nut water, people.

Chewing is not an activity that should be involved with beveraging. Ever. Yeah, I'm talking to you, Bubble Tea. I will never forget the first time my face came into contact with your tapioca balls. I was coerced by a friend into trying you, and I was happy with the choice at first. The straw was awesome, the tea was delici -- OH DEAR GOD WHO PUT CAT EYEBALLS IN MY DRINK ONE'S ALREADY DOWN MY THROAT I'M A CAT EYEBALL EATER NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! (commence sob montage). If you can't use a regular straw to drink a drink, it's no longer a drink. It might be a shake. Or in this case, it might be a horrible joke.

Lesson: Do not sip balls. I don't care how cute the straw is.

And then there's the chewy cocktail. Chewy Cocktail, you were invented in college when some dude's blender broke. "It's cool -- I call it 'muddling.' There are supposed to be giant chunks of tomato in there. Here. Enjoy a celery wad."

If a fork and molars have to be involved in the drinking of your drink, it's no longer a drink. It's a wet salad. And it may be delicious. It's just on the wrong part of the menu. Put it under the soup and salad section and watch everyone order it. Including me. I hate giant chunks of vegetables in my drinks, but I love the shit out of some booze in my soup and salad.

Lesson: If you're muddling it, I'm counting it as my salad for the week.

Chewing drinks makes me feel like I'm being baby-birded. Like the server chewed it up, swallowed, regurged and served it to me with a mint sprig on top. While that might be comfort food for some, for me it's just no thanks. At the moment I find a chunk of not-liquid in my drink, I feel like my drink has been Rickrolled. Same knee-jerk-fists-in-the-air-"dammit!" happens, too.

Stop putting salads and balls and chunks in my drinks. Just let my drink be a drink. Merry Christmas.

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