Poop Burgers? Actual Poop Burgers? You're Shitting Me.

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You're a serious foodie. You regularly say shit like, "I'll try anything" and "I'm totally adventurous -- let's get the weirdest thing on the menu," and "When in Rome, ellipsis."

And so, dear Adventurous Foodie, we bring you the day you hoped would never come. Enter: the doo doo burger. We're not talking cow patties here, we're talking human. Fee. Ces. People poops. Lady dumps and man dumps, smashed through an "exploder" to create a low fat, high poop "burger."

You can thank Mitsyuki Ikeda, Japanese scientist from the Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama.

From Inhabit.com...

"Ikeda, a scientist at the Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama, sought to further the field of alternative proteins by recycling a form of protein-rich waste : sewage mud.

"Sewage mud" is exactly what you think it is -- poop. Ikeda's process begins by extracting protein and lipids from the "mud." The lipids are then combined with a reaction enhancer, then whipped into "meat" in an exploder. Ikeda then makes the poop more savory, by adding soya and steak sauce.

...He also notes that the burgers are extremely low in fat."

We thought there was nothing in the world that would make tempeh sound appealing. How could we have been so wrong? Hoax people, will you please tell us this peopleshit burger shit is bullshit?

Ikeda's all, "They're low in fat!" Still poop, Ikeda. He'd be like, "They can help reduce greenhouse gas emissions, y'all!" Still poop. "Whatever, you've been eating Taco Bell and we all know that junk's way more disgusting than eating your own trots."

We haven't heard anything official yet, but it's a safe bet that R. Kelly's probably already got a franchise in the works.

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Join the Observer community and help support independent local journalism in Dallas.