Poop Burgers? Actual Poop Burgers? You're Shitting Me.

You're a serious foodie. You regularly say shit like, "I'll try anything" and "I'm totally adventurous -- let's get the weirdest thing on the menu," and "When in Rome, ellipsis."

And so, dear Adventurous Foodie, we bring you the day you hoped would never come. Enter: the doo doo burger. We're not talking cow patties here, we're talking human. Fee. Ces. People poops. Lady dumps and man dumps, smashed through an "exploder" to create a low fat, high poop "burger."

You can thank Mitsyuki Ikeda, Japanese scientist from the Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama.

From Inhabit.com...

"Ikeda, a scientist at the Environmental Assessment Center in Okayama, sought to further the field of alternative proteins by recycling a form of protein-rich waste : sewage mud.

"Sewage mud" is exactly what you think it is -- poop. Ikeda's process begins by extracting protein and lipids from the "mud." The lipids are then combined with a reaction enhancer, then whipped into "meat" in an exploder. Ikeda then makes the poop more savory, by adding soya and steak sauce.

...He also notes that the burgers are extremely low in fat."

We thought there was nothing in the world that would make tempeh sound appealing. How could we have been so wrong? Hoax people, will you please tell us this peopleshit burger shit is bullshit?

Ikeda's all, "They're low in fat!" Still poop, Ikeda. He'd be like, "They can help reduce greenhouse gas emissions, y'all!" Still poop. "Whatever, you've been eating Taco Bell and we all know that junk's way more disgusting than eating your own trots."

We haven't heard anything official yet, but it's a safe bet that R. Kelly's probably already got a franchise in the works.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade