Cheap Bastard

Review: Joe's Burgers

Other places with the word Joe's in their name near Joe's Burgers count: 3

Watery ketchup packets received with my order count: 15

Sonic claims to be your "Ultimate Drink Stop," and I do appreciate their ridiculous syrup selection and the fact that they have Sprite Zero—but where's the beer? How can you be the ultimate anything without beer? Answer: You can't. You can't be named the Ultimate Super Bowl Fan, the Ultimate Knitting Circle, the Ultimate Me Putting My Shoes On without beer. And Joe's Burgers gets that. Joe's has taken everything you like about Sonic and added Bud Light longnecks to the menu. Which, for the record, instantly makes Joe's your Ultimate Sonic-y Craving and Beer Craving At the Same Time Stop.

When you drive up to Joe's, it is clearly an old Sonic. From the multiple drive-up ordering stations at every parking spot to the picnic tables for the random people who show up to Sonic without cars, it's a copy. Even the menu is the same design. But once you read through the menu, you start seeing some kickass differences. Joe's not only has the No. 1 and No. 2 burgers, onion rings and tater tots that Sonic offers, but it kicks up the menu bad-assery with barbecue by the pound, chicken-fried steak sandwiches, chicken-fried chicken sandwiches and, oh my God, sausage on a mother-fuckin' stick. I squeal with delight.

I ordered large tater tots, a large drink and a No. 2 burger for a grand total of $5.95. They claimed that my burger would have tomatoes, lettuce, pickles and salad dressing on it, but once I got it I realized that my definition of salad dressing and Joe's definition are two different things. See, to me, salad dressing means something weird like Thousand Island or ranch. I thought maybe they'd even slather my burger in a creamy vinaigrette of some sort, but they didn't. Because, to Joe, "salad dressing" means mayo. And, honestly, when I got my totally tasty, not overly greasy, just-as-good-as-Sonic's burger I was perfectly happy. A burger guy's definition of salad dressing should be a little off. I mean, if he's any good at making burgers I'm thinking he's probably not a salad expert, right? Gimme a burger and a beer from Joe's any day over organic mixed greens and uppity fixins at some goddamned eatery.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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