Roll On In For a "Maltshake" or Six

Cars in the drive-through: 5 Times I wished I'd just ordered multiple maltshakes: 500

My recent Dallas cheap restaurant quest: find the perfect combo restaurant. I'm not looking for fusion. I'm looking for a combo. Like Cool & Hot Taco, where you can get tacos as well as a million different kinds of snow cones. The kind of menu that says, "What else could we make at this place for little to no money? Fukkit, let's add shakes," or "Shit, we're already frying chicken. Might as well fry fish too, right?"

Enter: Egg Roll Hut. You've seen it. It's that place on Columbia Avenue with the giant ice cream cone on the top of its sign, plus a secondary sign that says, "burgers and shakes." Nowhere on its giant signage does Egg Roll Hut boast about its egg rolls. Perfect.

Walking into Egg Roll Hut is Snooki-without-makeup scary. For a second, you wonder whether the bars all around the patio are to keep the bad guys out or to keep the bad guys in. But you instantly know this place is all right when you walk in and hear the delivery guy pleading with a customer on the phone, "Dude. Just order one more thing and I won't have to charge you 11 bucks to deliver. Iced tea? Another egg roll? I really don't want to have to charge you 11 bucks."

Egg Roll Hut offers egg rolls, sure. But even better, Egg Roll Hut offers a chicken-fried steak basket with homemade gravy. Old-fashioned burgers. And "maltshakes."

If you can order food here and not laugh a little, you're doing it wrong. I went with the crab Rangoons (99 percent cream cheese to 1 percent imitation crab, but nice and crunchy), General Tso's (average, maybe try something else) and a chocolate maltshake. (The pineapple maltshake is also an option, but that sounded like it would taste exactly like a tropical TUMS. Admittedly, it was a really close second option for me.) No I didn't order an egg roll. Did I mention there were fucking maltshakes?!

I love malts like your grandpa loves malts. I love malts like Michele Bachmann loves chugging corn dogs. Like puppies love pissing on your important shit. Like time loves ruining Keith Richard's face. And this malt was actually really, really delicious. It is highly likely that I will go to Egg Roll Hut in the future just to order their malt.

I'm not kidding, malt-lovin' grandpas: Get thee to the fuckin' Egg Roll Hut.

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