Cheap Bastard

Serious Pizza Brings Out the Big Guns

The first rule of ordering pizza from Serious Pizza: Read the menu. And when you read it, notice that the large pizza is 24 inches. (For reference, a Domino's large is a mere 14 inches.) The large from Serious Pizza does not, how you say, fuck around. It's so big, in fact, that the motherfarting pizza box it's inside does not fit through the door of a Ford Escape. I had to pop the trunk. Pretty sure this is exactly how Ford pictured their sports utility vehicle would be used. "And you just pop the trunk when Fatty McDildo orders too much pizza!"

It's a pretty good deal for just $14.50—ya know, if you have 50 friends, or if you're into gaining 20 pounds in one sitting, or if you've always dreamed of sleeping inside of a pizza box. Still not big enough? Lucky for none of us tubtowns around here, Serious Pizza offers a 30-inch extra large for just $22.75. FYI, it's BYOCrane. (Note: Serious Pizza does not offer delivery. It's just dine-in or forklift-out.)

Drunk in Deep Ellum and just craving a single slice? You're obviously some kind of pussy. But, if you insist, you can get that for $3.25, plus 75 cents per extra topping. Serious Pizza's specialty slices are $5.75, and almost all of them come with five toppings. So if you do the math, it's cheaper to just let them tell you what toppings should go on your pizza, especially if you like a lot of stuff on there. If you learned math in a DISD school, don't hurt your eyebrows trying to crunch those numbers right now. Just trust me. Also, probably a good idea to bring your debit card instead of trying to count your change in public.

I ordered my pizza with pepperoni, Italian sausage (definitely get you some of this) and banana peppers. The crust is thin, New York-style, and hand-thrown in the kitchen, and it comes out crispy. I was really glad it wasn't soggy. "Soggy New York crust" just isn't a good combo of tastes or words.

Vegetarian? I will now make you grunt uncontrollably by simply listing more toppings from Serious' kaleidoscopic menu options: Portabello mushrooms. Artichokes. Feta. Fresh basil. Ricotta. Sun-dried tomatoes. Pesto. Ugh—I've got hippie all over me. Meatballs. Hot sausage. That's better.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade