Eat This

Seven Cheese Things That Must Really Annoy Good Cheese

If I were Actual Cheese, I'd be super annoyed by all the cheese poseurs in the grocery store these days. I bet Actual Cheese looks at Cheez Whiz in exactly the same way a 60 year-old dude from Austin looks at all the college kids who moved to Austin last year and constantly complain about the tourists during "South By." It's a look that has to involve 10 percent pity, 90 percent head shake.

Here are seven annoying cheese products that most times aren't even cheese, and if they are cheese, they're definitely a disgrace to the entire cheese race. Shame on you for loving them.

Easy Cheese

It's cheese in a can! Finally? I'm not sure if it's more offensive to spray this on a Ritz cracker or directly into a mouth, but no matter where you're spraying it, Real Legitimate Cheeses are covering their cheese eyes in shame.

Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips

Cheese powder is made from science. Real Actual Cheese embraces powder cheese in public, but talks mad shit about Powder Cheese behind its powder cheese back.

Cheese Balls

Real Cheese just hopes you realize that cheese balls are not, in fact, made from real cheese genitals.

Cheese Crackers with Peanut Butter

"So, let me get this straight: You could have had actual cheese on a real cracker, and instead you made a fake cheese cracker sandwich and then you put old peanut butter on it? Fuckin' sick-o." -- Real Actual Cheese

Macaroni & Cheese with Cheese Packet or Cheese Powder

No. No, this is not "The Cheesiest." Real-actual-cheese-not-from-a-pouch would be the cheesiest. This is the space-cheese-iest.

String Cheese

Real Actual Cheese is soooooo embarrassed by you, String Cheese. You're not nearly enough cheese in every prepackaged pouch, and you taste like nothing. Stilton really wants to eff you up in your string cheese face.

Individually Wrapped American Cheese

Not only are you floppy and wrapped in plastic by-the-slice, you're also the most boring cheese in the history of cheeses. Good Cheese sends your cheese calls straight to voicemail. It's true.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade