It's National Ice Cream Month, which got us thinking about Texas' de facto state ice cream. Below is a list of flavors Blue Bell's R&D should strike from brainstorming sessions for fear of being force-fed ghost chili-infused Ben & Jerry's.
Rattlesnake: Sweetwater Rocky Roundup This reptile may be a popular item on the Lonesome Dove menu, but blending the once-slithering-on-shit chunks in Blue Bell's frozen goodness -- perhaps with a rattle at the bottom of the quart à la mezcal worm -- is a quart too far.
Armadillo: Red Velvet Armor A red velvet armadillo grooms cake is one thing. It's actually the best part of Steel Magnolias, besides Tom Skerritt's creative bird control. Road kill in my dyed chocolate... has anyone ever seen an armadillo alive?
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Longhorn: Bevo Peach This cattle is the pride and joy of the Lone Star State, an arguably majestic animal best left on the grill, not endorsed by Colt McCoy.
Durian: Tap That Ass Special Anything as noisome as the olfactory combination of diarrhea-exploding diaper and toe jam should be the last possible flavor of ice cream. Just because it's plentiful in Asian markets nationwide, doesn't mean durian is the new exotic "it" food.
Crawfish: Mudbug Pie A little BP crude with your crawfish sucking?
Illegal Immigrant: Limited Edition Mojado With Jalapeño This might going a little too far, even for City of Ate. Seriously, would you eat a flavor called Limited Edition Wetback? This ain't Arizona! We don't need billboards advertising a soylent-green tinted ass-widener on the border with Juárez.