Complaint Desk

Snapple Press Release Is Stupid. I Am Sad/Angry.

Plano's Dr Pepper Snapple Group sent us a press release today because they had nothing to say. No, really. This is their new marketing push. Celebrate nothing, because nothing is better than Snapple. Philosophically, this is a confusing proposition at best. While the press release steers clear of Descartian existentialism, it's right there underneath the surface, waiting to spring out (as long as you accept the idea that nothing can "spring," which runs contrary to the existence of the Slinky). We thought we'd share some highlights with you because, hey, we have NOTHING better to do. Amirite?!

"Nothing is important. Nothing is universal. Nothing is great."

The only message I'm taking from this is that in 2013, a major corporation focusing on the production of heavily sugared beverages declared itself an adherent of Nietzsche.

"It's what remains on your to-do list on a Friday afternoon - -and then it's your Saturday plans."

They've even discovered a new way to encourage obesity.

"What's more extraordinary than Snapple? Nothing comes to mind," said Dave Fleming, director of marketing for Snapple. "Over the years, we've heard from thousands of Snapple fans about what makes them stand out from the crowd. This summer, we want our fans to celebrate what brings us all together -- nothing."

Where to start, Dave? First, would you not accept that it's just as likely that nothing is worse than Snapple? Second, are you suggesting that Snapple fans are united by nothing whatsoever? ARE THEY NOT HUMAN DAVE? ARE THEY NOT HUMAN?!? (Should such people exist, as sports fandom is understandable, but beverage fandom? Do they turn up at the factory to cheer the production line? LET'S GO STRAWBERRY-KIWI! Are there rivalries between fans of different flavors? Do Lemon Ice Tea supporters have fights with Raspberry Iced Tea?)

Grab a 16 oz. Snapple bottle that is clearly marked "Win Nothing Instantly" (we wouldn't want you to miss it) and look under the cap. Voila! If you are one of the lucky ones, you could win Nothing, such as, "No Bills," "No Airfare," "Better Than Nothing: Free Snapple," and a host of other Nothings.

Now, unless I'm very much mistaken, what I'm winning here is a thing. Unless a sizeable beverage corporation begins dealing directly with my electricity supplier, I will still have a bill, and then Dr Pepper Snapple Group will send me the money to pay the bill. Thus, I now have two things, where before I had just one. I am further away from nothing now than I was before. THANKS GUYS.

"I have Nothing to add," said Fleming of Snapple.

YOU LITERALLY JUST ADDED SOMETHING DAVE. Also, "Fleming of Snapple" sounds like one of those fancy European surnames during the Middle Ages. "Ah, forsooth, Sir David Fleming of Snapple! I welcome thee!"

In summary, PR is difficult to get right, guys. Especially if you're stupid.

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Gavin Cleaver
Contact: Gavin Cleaver