Cheap Bastard

Swiss Pastry Shop's Burger Validates Fort Worth's Existence

"Darlin'" count: 250 Chance of wood paneling: 100 percent Average age of diners: 75

"Why is Fort Worth?" you ask yourself on a daily basis. I can now tell you, with much confidence, that the answer is, without a doubt: "Because Swiss Pastry Shop's burgers."

Chef/owner Hans P. Muller is making a kickass burger in Fort Worth, and you don't know about it because when you make the drive out to The Worth, you only go for the badass museums and zoo animals. Well, next time you get in the mood to see some zebras run around, make a lunchtime pit stop for a burger that will make your happy heart want to bone you.

The photo above is of Muller's Chupacabra Rodeo Burger, which is 8 oz. of Wagyu, Chipotle bacon marmalade, and jalapeño chevre. This is not the burger that I tried, but it is the photo that inspired me to make the drive to Fort Worth for a face full of meats. It showed up on Facebook, I put the car in drive.

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I ordered the Ei-Ei-O Burger, which is 8 oz. of Wagyu ("Medium, please." "Now, sweetheart, that's gonna be real pink in the middle, is that OK?" "That's more than OK." That's fucking great, is what that is), some bacon made from actual pigs and a fried egg (AKA the best condiment ever invented). For $11, you get the burger and a side. You could get potato salad or a fruit cup, or some other stuff. I went with chips because I was so focused on the burger, my brain couldn't process the side item options. I have no memory of the chips, as the motherhumping superbness of the burger erased everything else. Including my name, for about five minutes.

If this burger existed in Dallas, it would immediately be on every list of the top five burgers in Dallas. Go get some gas in your car and get your face on one of these burgers. I get you now, Fort Worth. I really get you.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade