From the outside, Szechwan Pavilion totally looks like a strip club. Not that there's anything wrong with that—some restaurants look like strip clubs, and some strip clubs look like herpes. Shit, maybe Szechwan Pavilion used to be a strip club and they just kept the name and the super buffet and kicked out the strippers. I don't know the back story of the restaurant, but I swear the two plaster lions guarding its entrance asked me where I was from and if I wanted a dance.
For all you smokers out there, be warned that Szechwan Pavilion has a sign posted that reads, "For the children, this restaurant is non-smoking." So, if your kids smoke, do not—I repeat—do not bring them here.
Szechwan Pavilion has an all-you-can-eat super buffet open seven days a week. Although the buffet did look promising, I assessed my hunger level, realized it wasn't all-you-can-eat-worthy and ordered something from the menu instead.
Szechwan Pavilion Chinese Restaurant
1152 N. Buckner Blvd.
Sweatpants in the super buffet line count: 2 Vurp count: 1
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Almost all of their "special luncheon combinations" and all-day combo specials are cheaper than the buffet. You can get sweet and sour shrimp or pork egg foo young plus a spring roll, soup and fried rice for under six bucks. I ordered the sesame beef, and it was great. It was $9.95 (super pricey for their menu), but it tasted like a bunch of unicorns singing "Like a G6," so it was well worth it.
Less than delicious was the Five Taste Scallops entrée. On the menu, it's described as "Scallops sautéed in five different kinds of sauce, made sweet and sour, spicy and wonderful taste." I thought, "Five sauce scallops? I thought when you sauteed five sauces together, they became one sauce. Just like when you're at the roller rink and you fill your drink cup with some soda from every option at the fountain. That's not a Sprite-and-cherry-and-Coke-and-root-beer, it's a suicide. Five sodas' powers combined create one awesome, crazy-burp-inducing sugar bomb. Like when those five cartoon kids put their power rings together to create Captain Planet." Turns out, I shouldn't have wasted all that energy being bitchy about the name because the actual dish tasted like wet sponge dump. Five Taste, indeed: barf, pee, cat, colon and cherry!
But, I really did like the sesame beef. It was "Like a G6" unicorns.