Cheap Bastard

TC's Shaved Ice: Don't Wait for Your Butt to Sweat to Enjoy a Treat.

Lately the afternoons have been stupid hot. It's not butt-sweat hot yet, and we're nowhere near the balls-hot temperatures we're sure to see in August. (Yes, those are technical terms. Ask Pete Delkus. He'll confirm.) With afternoon highs in the 80s, though, it's definitely time for a brain freeze.

And nobody lowers your body temp from the inside out like the fine folks at TC's Shaved Ice drive-through. (It's not a snow cone place; it's a shaved ice place. The difference? Shaved ice holds the syrup better, so you don't get that puddle of syrup at the bottom of your cup. It looks more like a cup of Sonic Ice, but the ice is surprisingly uncrunchy. It's good. Go with it.) When you go, bring cash, ask for a to-go box and take your shaved ice somewhere else for a picnic unless you're looking to get propositioned by many hookers. In that case, put the car in park and wait two seconds.

TC's Shaved Ice has a giant sign on the side of its building that lists flavor options, including strawberry, grape, lemon, margarita, peach, piña colada, "raspbery," "dreamsycle," and "tigers blood." Yep. Tigers blood. At first, I was like, "TC's, what the chode? Are you seriously jumping on the Charlie Sheen tiger blood shitshow spazwagon?" And TC's was like, "That sign is older than you. And it's 'tigers blood.' Plural. Because clearly the syrup is made of the blood of many tigers." Me: "Oh. What does it taste like?" TC's: "Obviously it tastes like the blood of many tigers." Mmmm. Gimme that.

TC's also has a giant sign boasting a treat called a "knockout," which is allegedly a large shaved ice with a scoop of ice cream plus any syrup flavor for three bucks. To me, shaved ice plus ice cream just equals watery ice cream, which would taste approximately as delicious as a cup of cat pee. But I'm sure there are some die-hard knockout fans out there who will swear to me that a strawberry knockout is the best thing on earth, second only to a lick of Gary Busey's dong.

I'll stick to the tigers blood shaved ice, thanks. When they handed it to me, it was a crazy red that only the blood of many tigers could create. Turns out, it didn't taste like blood so much as it tasted like a delicious mix of artificial strawberry and coconut flavors. Who knew tigers tasted like fruit? Charlie Fuckin' Sheen, that's who.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade