Food News

Texas Rangers Invested in a Plethora of Glorious Gut Bombs This Off Season. Our Top Ten.

The Texas Rangers have been busy this off-season. No, not building a better bullpen. Who cares about that? Instead, they've been building amazing plates of glorious food.

While trying to orchestrate the feeding of an estimated 25,000 hot dogs to baseball fans next Friday at Opening Day, Casey Rapp with Metroplex Sportservices over at the Ballpark, let me have a sneak peek of the new menu for the concession stands. Garlic fries should be in fear for their lives. Here are the top 10 NEW reasons to take yourself out to the ball game.

In order of importance...

10. The Ranch Hand Steak Sandwich: Sliced steak topped with a tangy sauce and haystack onions on a toasty ciabatta roll.

9. Chopped Buffalo Fries: Waffle cut fries with chicken tossed in wing sauce, topped with jalapeños.

8. Smokehouse Fries: Waffle cut fries with brisket and barbecue sauce, topped with fried onions. Serious.

7. Ballpark BBQ Bowl: Fresh fried 'tater chips cuddling with either brisket, chicken or taco meat covered in barbecue sauce, nacho cheese, onions and jalapeno peppers. Perrrrfect.

6. Island Style Bowl: Bacon always wins. Remember that. Fresh potato chips with again your choice of protein, then add bacon, pineapple salsa and sweet peppers.

5. Bases Loaded: The base of chips and meat, then BACON, nacho cheese sauce (should I just stop? No? Keep going? OK.) sour cream and chives, because any green makes it good for you.

4. Macho Nacho Fries: Waffle cut fries loaded with taco meat, pico, sour cream and tortilla strips. The menu doesn't mention cheese, but I'm sure that's negotiable. Has to be. Just has to.

3. Philly Cheesesteak Dog (I kid you not): A Nolan Ryan all-beef hot dog topped with Philly cheesesteak meat, Cheez Whiz, grilled peppers and onions.

2. Foot-Long Texas Dog: Chili, cheddar cheese and grilled onions. The way God intended it.

1. Southwest Chips: This is where we've thrown in the towel. Officially. Freshly fried potato chips with either brisket, chicken or taco meat smothered in queso, pico and sour cream. Just feels like home.

The Boomstick is still at the park, as is the Totally Rossome Boomstick, which has brisket on it. Plus, there's a foot-long Chicago dog and New York dog, which seem like lightweight food now.

You know what would be totally cool? Warm cheese dispensers (like in 7-Elevens) at the end of each row. That way, the cheese doesn't cool on the way to our seats. Then, as we pillage through the first level of shame, whilst making growling noises, we can easily get more cheese as we proceed to the second level of shame (and so forth). Maybe, even just stick our heads under it. Or invert it so it's more like a drinking fountain. No. Wait. I got it. A warm cheese fountain, like the chocolate fountains at weddings.

Here's a deal JD or Nolan, or whoever is wearing the pants today: If we promise to come to games when it's 117 degrees in August, then can we please get cheese fountains?

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Lauren Drewes Daniels is the Dallas Observer's food editor. She started writing about local restaurants, chefs, beer and kouign-amanns in 2011. She's driven through two dirt devils and is certain they were both some type of cosmic force.