Last year, Planet Earth sorrowfully asked mankind "Why, dear peoples, why?" after the invention of something sinister and bizarre: KFC's Double Down.
Well, congratulations, 2011: You are the mind-fuck of a fast food year that actually found a way to add to the Famous Bowl, to create McDonald's mind-control television, to create a soda that's "not for women" and to literally, actually vilify vegetables.
Who knows what they'll do in 2012? Maybe Pizza Hut will build new restaurants actually encased in cheese, and you have to eat your way to the door. Or Taco Bell will synergize with the March of Dimes and create a street made entirely of reinforced taco shell.
For now, though, we're pointing the finger at you, This Year. We're targeting the most insane, over-the-top conceptual abominations (to health and society) and trends released by the fast-moving food industries.
10. The Starbucks Trenta Coffee Cup
Earlier this year Starbucks released a new size meant, we can only assume, to be a game-show like challenge for your bladder. The Trenta coffee cup can hold 31 ounces of coffee. Also, 28 slices of bacon.
9. The Taco Bell Shell Made of Doritos
After the great meat fiasco of 2011, where Taco Bell's meat was discovered to be less "meat" and more ground street leaves or something, what did they do? They secretly released a new taco shell made entirely of Nacho Cheese Doritos.
8. Denny's Mac 'n Cheese Big Daddy Patty Melt
Besides the bear-fattening-for-winter calorie count on this sucker (also, what is "zesty Frisco sauce"?), this sandwich was actually part of a larger "Let's Get Cheesy Menu." Which, of course, is a themed menu featuring dishes to "bring out the cheesiness in anyone."
7. Domino's Stuffed Cheesebreads
The Domino's marketing strategy this year has been fascinating. They keep reminding people that they're terrible, and they're using their "past" terrible-ness to push slightly less terrible food. Recently they decided to revamp their previously terrible breads with more "gourmet" breads. Gourmet, if you didn't know, means more cheese in the center.
6. The New Family "Dinner Box"
What's a great way to take advantage of this difficult job market? Fast Food answer: Offer a massive quantity of high-sodium, high-fat foods for cheap. McDonald's and KFC are doing it up nice and big.
5. In-N-Out Coming to Texas
One woman cried.
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4.DiGiorno Pizza & Cookies
What first looked like a joke in The Onion turned out to be really, really true. DiGiorno released a new line of pizza, which is already pretty damn bad for you, coupled with another food that's bad for you. Sure, they're technically a mainstream store product, but the ridiculousness of this idea needs to be noted. Here's a crazy idea: What about "Pizza & Carrots"?
3. KFC's Famous Bowl with Bacon
It's as if KFC execs sat in a room and asked, "How can we nuke our customers with carbs?" Patton Oswalt described the Famous Bowl best as a "failure pile." So, now, we've stacked an extra sprinkle of sadness: more meat.
2. The Triple Steak Stack at Taco Bell
Food stylists must have been confounded as to how to stylize this crap wallet. This meat purse. This steak coffin. Not only does it look like The End of All Things, it's called the Triple Steak Stack. What, in the name of Holy, is a steak stack and why am I eating it?
1. The Return of the McRib
This year was special. This year the return of the McRib wasn't just a cult phenomenon. It was the year we discovered two things: The McRib bun is made with a chemical that's used in gym mats, and the pork factory they use to make the meat-shape is a horrible, hellish place.