The 12 Days of Burger Christmas

In lieu of a year-end list on burgers, here is a musical presentation of some of the best darn burger gifts you can give yourself in Dallas right now. (We're assuming you're your own true love. We're very big on self-esteem here.) For Burger Christmas, these are the cheeseburgers and some key sides you need to give yourself over the holidays. All together now: 

On the first day of Burger Christmas, my true love gave to me:

...The cheeseburger at Greenville’s Remedy

Flat-top-char crunch, good old fashioned dill pickle and creamy mustard should make Remedy the first day of the burger holiday for you. Get one of the rotating sundaes, too.
Remedy: 2010 Greenville Ave.

On the second day of Burger Christmas my true love sent to me...

Two burger tacos

It’d be just fine if you squealed tires out of your family events to wolf down two of Velvet Taco’s maddeningly good cheeseburger tacos, which come with peppered bacon, smoked cheddar, LTO and a “velvet sauce” that crosses the blood/brain barrier. It makes you strong. Get a Topo Chico with it to make the burger song more melodic.
Velvet Taco: 3012 N. Henderson Ave.

Three yuca fries

Any list of the best sides in Dallas needs to include the yuca fries at C Senor. Sort of plant, not potato, these fries are somehow crispy and creamy—lightly dusted with a chili-lime-salt tang. They will ruin you on french fries. It’s like taking a bite out of Caribbean sunlight. You’ll want three orders: one for the car ride, one with your burger and one for a midnight snack with a cold beer.
C Senor: 330 W. Davis St.

Four Coma burgers

The Coma burger is the real name of the sweet onion jam, clarified butter, house pickles, smoked cheddar and crispy shallot topped cheeseburger at Braindead Brewing. It’s a can’t-miss in Deep Ellum, smartly curated and delicious from bun to leaf. It comes with sweet potato chips, which totally means you ate healthy. Get four for the table because everyone will want one after they see your order.
Braindead Brewing Pub: 2625 Main St.

Five gold onion rings

Sing it loud and long at Luscher’s Red Hots because onion rings are worth it. Don’t worry if people are staring. You’ve made it to the fifth day! The Uncle Herky is a beautiful burger, pillow soft and warm like a bearskin rug. Throw it on you, and sink into the crispy onion rings.
Luscher’s Red Hots: 2653 Commerce St.

Six tots a-traying

Stop in to Maple & Motor for a burger (add bacon and griddled jalapeños) and their mysteriously magical tater tots. They come in an unassuming paper tray, and they’ll rock your Christmas tree with a big squirt of ketchup and mustard. Work of the wizards, I tell you.
Maple & Motor: 4810 Maple Ave.

Seven Jack’s a-raging

Jack’s tavern-style cheeseburger at Ten Bells Tavern, Excalibured with bright pickles, is a must-stop for cheeseburger lovers who wander into Oak Cliff. It’s big, bold bar food. No foodie coddling on this burger. Add a pickled egg.
Ten Bells Tavern: 232 W. 7th St.

Eight Knife Ozersky’s

One of the best things you could give yourself for Burger Christmas is the Ozersky at John Tesar’s Knife. Two slices of American cheese hang out and get melty on a drop-dead gorgeous patty. A nice winter coat of salt and pepper keep it warm and well seasoned. You won’t need condiments. I’ve heard Burger Krampus comes if you add ketchup.
Knife: 5300 E. Mockingbird Lane

Nine Stocks-a-Barreling

The wagyu brisket burger at Stock & Barrel, which comes with smoked bacon, cheddar that’s curtained around the patty, and tomato jam, is a wildly rewarding indulgence. Make reservations, order the smashed Yukon potatoes and enjoy at the bar. Notice the warm glow coming from your burger. It's supernatural.
Stock & Barrel: 316 W. Davis St.

10 pimento toppings

The showstopper grass-fed burger at Rapscallion is topped with luscious pimento cheese. On the side, close attention is paid to the perfectly crispy sweet potato chips. The toppings make everything about this burger experience pop. It's a memorable one for the 10th day of your Burger Christmas.
Rapscallion: 2023 Greenville Ave.

11 Off-site doublings

Off-site Kitchen rebooted their iconic burger spot in 2015, and they’re better than ever. I like to celebrate burger vacation with a Double Deluxe, which is a damn-near perfect double bacon cheeseburger. Screw you, fast food! 
Off-Site Kitchen: 331 Singleton Blvd., No. 100

12 Damn Burgers damning

It’s the 12th day of Burger Christmas, and damn it, the Damn Burger at Armoury D.E. is good. ICYMI: Deep Ellum’s Armoury is serving Hungarian-inspired bar food on a wildly interesting menu in a dimly lit bar. It'll keep you tucked in and safe while you’re escaping the family. The 4-year-aged Widmer cheddar makes this damn burger stand out. Merry Burger Christmas to all and to all a good bacon.
Armoury D.E.: 2714 Elm St.

Here's the full song, for your burger caroling: 

On the first day of Burger Christmas my true love sent to me
a cheeseburger at Remedy.
On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Two burger tacos
and a cheeseburger at Remedy
On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Three yuca fries
Two burger tacos
and a cheeseburger at Remedy...
(add a new gift and repeat the earlier burger gifts each verse)
Four Coma burgers
Five gold onion rings (elongate while singing)
Six tots a-traying
Seven Jack’s a-raging
Eight Knife Ozersky’s
Nine Stocks-a-Barreling
10 pimento toppings 
11 Offsite doublings
12 Damn burgers damning

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Nick Rallo
Contact: Nick Rallo