Happy Halloween, Dallas. As you might be nailing down your costume, or reusing whatever you wore to last weekend's Halloween party, some of us are throwing candy in bowls.
Now, sometimes people get fancy — they may have the super-large candy bars or have some specialty chocolate. But mostly, were we all trick-or-treating, we'd probably be getting something from those 3- to 5-pound bags of pretty generic candy. (You also won't see the ever-divisive candy corn in this article.)
Our staff's getting ready for whatever they're doing, I guess. I don't know, I didn't ask them their plans, I'm not nosy (or I just don't care). But I did ask them to tackle a list of candy and rank them. Because we all know that at the end of the night or around 1 p.m. tomorrow or probably next Monday, we'll be snacking on some of this stuff.
So here's a list of candy, from the generally loved to the mostly hated.
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup
This is the obvious winner (to me) and it really did rank high among most people's rankings (except for that one editor). As another editor points out, two good — nay, I say perfect — tastes come together here.
I would think most humans love these, and it turns out our staff does, too. One person refused to rank after these two (yes, our order matched his top two) stating that nothing else is worth his time. Maybe he was on deadline, but I'm guessing he just hasn't tasted a Snickers in a while. Poor guy. We did have one hater: "I'll eat them, too, though I'm suspicious of any food item that has the texture of asbestos." (I haven't come that close to asbestos, so I personally can't comment.)
Recently a wonderful human dropped off a giant bag of candy in the office. I'd step into the break room, grabbing one of the small Snickers bars to brighten my day every afternoon or so. Then one day, I walk in, and this still-mostly-full bag is depleted of all Snickers bars. That's how good this candy is. As one staff member (not the one who stole) says, "I'm old school" in his favoring this one.
"The cookie makes it seem healthier; a cookie is, like, wheat, right? That's a plant." Sure, editor. Sounds good enough for us. Plus, in the normal size you get two of them. And that's good, as long as you don't have to share.
5. Milky Way
Now I rank this one further down: When's the last time you took a bite of one of these and you weren't disappointed by the lack of texture complexity? Yet, here it sits at No. 5 on this list that's seeming less and less like a good use of my time. "Old school" editor really liked this one, too.
6. Kit Kat
If I need to make my boyfriend happy, I buy him Kit Kat bars. It solves most things. It's sitting a little lower because not all in this office feel that way. Take this person: "I refuse to eat or purchase these, or allow them in my house, because their jingle annoys the f*** out of me. The commercial in which the melody is played by the crunches of people eating them makes me want to injure people. (Personal note from myself to that person: HEARD.)
7. Sour Patch
A vegan in the office noted my selections were horribly generic (I'll blame the bags of candy I was looking at) and that this was the only vegan option. Now we know. Candy makers need to do better here. One person did note she marked this as her sixth choice, but only the watermelon ones.
8. Almond Joy
Man, I love Almond Joy, but it's one of those candies you forget about. A fresh one would be divine, though, no? Someone who doesn't like this one explains he doesn't like coconut. Another note: He also doesn't like people who don't like coconut. (Again: Heard.)
9. Three Musketeers
Yeesh, this one is the worst. I'm embarrassed to release this list that has it even in the top 10 (it was the penultimate on my list). But we have two people who put it at the very top of their lists. I can't believe it. "I love the fluffy nougat; I can pretend I'm not really getting many calories. It's mainly air, right?" Exactly: It's mostly air. A good diet's not good enough for me when I'm picking my candy. (I'm pretty sure my doctor doesn't read what I write, so surely I'm OK by saying that.)
The very bottom of my list comes in at No. 10. One person says they're basically like sugar cubes. I could say that, but with a coating of food coloring. Yet, people like them more than the last four on this list. So let's get to the ones that really suck.
One person says "not the lemon or orange" when ranking this as her own No. 7. OK, sure, if they were all strawberry, we might be all about them. But they're not. They're diverse in flavor and whatnot. Another staffer wonders, "What are these made of, exactly? Has anything remotely natural ever been part of a Starburst?" Packaging does state, "Real fruit juice!" along with, "Natural and artificial flavors." I'd look more into this, but I'd rather get this list out before Halloween is over.
The branding is so cute, those little characters with the arms and legs with hands not dissimilar to Mickey Mouse. Too bad that little bag with these plain, coated chocolates are a letdown. As one ranker puts it: This is "the tap water of candies; does what's necessary, no more." Thankfully, there are numerous options that are far superior; unfortunately they're not in the basic bags of Halloween candy. Lame.
13. Crunch bar
I remember as a kid I'd come home with these after trick-or-treating. I think I gave them all to my brother who was older and too cool to dress up at the time. One person says "blah" when talking about this simple bar, and I agree pretty wholeheartedly.
14. Hershey's Milk Chocolate
And the classic falls dead last in our ranking of the day. Among all else that we could come home with in our trick-or-treat bags (if it weren't weird for all of us adults to do that), this would not be one we'd be digging for among the sweet mixture. Hershey's milk chocolate bars have one real purpose: That is melting under a roasted marshmallow on top of a graham cracker.
Despite my aggressively disagreeing with some of you: Thank you to those who joined me in this important survey: editor-in-chief Patrick Williams, news editor Silas Allen, music and culture editor Eva Raggio, reporter Stephen Young, social media editor Chase Carter, fellows Meredith Lawrence and Lucas Manfield and system administrator Abe Trinidad. (OK, I said editorial staff earlier, and I guess Abe doesn't fit that, but he sits on our side of the office, he has good taste in food and he's a cool dude.)
Whether your candy is fancy or basic, happy snacking, Dallas.
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