The Definitive Ranking of Cokes

Not all Coca-Colas ("Cokes") are created equal. On one end of the spectrum is an especially frothy Coke that comes fizzing from a fountain into a much-too-big red plastic cup loaded to the brim with ice, in a dark pizza parlor in the sweaty aftermath of an especially tense slow-pitch softball game that you pretended not to care about but really, man, what a big win. On the other, or near it anyway, is a Caffeine-Free Coke, so pointless that its presence in the fridge has been known to cause unsuspecting soda-seekers to briefly consider drinking La Croix before slamming the fridge shut, huffing loudly and driving to 7-11 for a Big Gulp.

Here, the definitive ranking of Cokes. When bottles and cans are involved, they are presumed to be acceptably cold.

1. Fountain Coke in a red plastic cup like the one above, lots of ice

2. Fountain Coke in a clear plastic cup, lots of ice

3. Fountain Coke in a Styrofoam cup, lots of ice

4. Fountain Coke in a paper cup, lots of ice

5. Fountain Coke in a pint glass or mug, lots of ice

6-10. Glass bottle of Mexican Coke poured into the above vessels, lots of ice

11-15. Can of Coke poured into the above vessels, lots of ice

16-20. Plastic bottle of Coke poured into the above vessels, lots of ice

21. Glass bottle of Mexican Coke, straight from the bottle

22. Can, straight from the can

23. Plastic bottle, straight from the bottle

24. Any of the above styles of Coke poured into any of the above vessels with too little or no ice

25. Fountain Coke poured directly into your mouth from the fountain while children look on befuddled (points deducted for resulting stickiness and misdemeanor vandalism charge)

26. Any of the above styles of Coke poured into a thin layer on a sheet pan, freeze dried, chopped and snorted like actual coke.

27. Actual coke

28. Cherry Coke

1,000,000 (tie). Diet Coke, Caffeine Free Coke, Diet Caffeine Free Coke, Coke Zero, Coca-Cola Black Cherry Vanilla, Coca-Cola Cherry Zero, Coca-Cola Zero Caffeine-Free, Diet Coke Black Cherry Vanilla, Diet Coke with Lime, Diet Coke with Splenda

1,000,010. Pepsi

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Joe Tone
Contact: Joe Tone