The Mango Creme: New Girl Scout Cookie or STD?

It's known that I love Girl Scout cookies pretty hard. But, seriously Girl Scouts? Mango Creme NutrifusionTM cookie with vitamins in it? You thought that would please the masses?

They put all the worst possible ingredients in this cookie. Here's what the ingredients list looks like (or something close to it):

Everyone knows that the oatmeal raisin cookie has held the title of Punishment Cookie for children for centuries. It is customary to give good children chocolate chip cookies, and bad children get the oatmeal raisin cookies as punishment. Because a cookie should not have oatmeal in it. It is not a cookie's job to promote healthy digestion. If you're putting oatmeal and vitamins in your cookies on purpose because you prefer cookies this way, you're really bad at having fun.

But, Girl Scouts, you have created a whole new Punishment Cookie winner with this Mango Creme NutrifusionTM thing. There are vitamins in it. And fake mangoness? Is this a Jamba Juice or a cookie shop, ladies? You let your moms invent this joke-ass cookie, didn't you?

Girl Scouts. You're cute. You're young. Why did nobody teach you the definition of "cookie"? Here is the definition of "cookie":

There. Are vitamins. In. This. Cookie. What the why? You seriously put vitamins in it?! On purpose? And you thought we'd want that? We want vitamins in our cookies just like we want Anne Hathaway to keep talking. We want vitamins in our cookies like we want a punch in the ear. Like we want Tom Cruise to tell us more about Scientology. Like we want bunnies to stop hop-humping everything. Like we want boobs to stop being awesome. We want vitamins in our cookies like we want Pizza Hut to stuff its crust with shitbags.

You know what would be worse than vitamins in a cookie? Nothing. Nothing would be worse. Shit cookies would be just as bad, but not worse. Not really.

Stop calling this a cookie. Start calling this a fucking disaster.

Probably, this nutria is in that "cookie":

Next year, come out with a new cookie that's actually a cookie. No. Mango Creme NutrifusionTM is not a cookie.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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