Top 10 Things We Wish Waiters Would Never Say Again--Ever

Top 10 Things We Wish Waiters Would Never Say Again--Ever

Face it: Your waiter can make or break a meal.

It's all about attitude, baby, and if he or she has a crappy one, well, it doesn't matter what the hell they dish out. Because you can't take it. Pissed off makes everything taste bitter--the moistest tenderloin, the hottest tamale, the fluffiest soufflé. If you had wanted to take shit from someone, you could have stayed at home and eaten your wife's cooking. Heard the joke about the waiter who refused to take a table's order? Course you didn't, 'cause it's just not funny.

Certainly there are wonderful servers out there, patient, generous souls who offer suggestions for the uneducated palate, who see their mission as adding value to the tight entertainment dollar. Then again, there are those servers who neglect, who trifle, who despite your earlier arrival, seem to deny your very existence by waiting and feeding the party of six at the next table first. And despite the verbal abuse, the haughty mistreatment, the eyebrow raised in snobbish rebuke, you bite your tongue, hoping against hope that your waiter doesn't hock a loogie into your linguini when no one's looking.

We at City of Ate have complied a list of some of those mind-numbing wait staff sayings that just set our teeth on edge. Things we wish they would lose from their Model Servers lexicon. And we invite you to add to the list in the comments section. Because in this post you need not fear retribution, nor worry that someone is going to grudge-fuck with your food.

9. Hi. This is Mike. I'm going to be training him today, so he'll be following me around.
(Just great! Guess we can forget about dinner and a movie.)

8. "No, that doesn't come with fries."
(And this doesn't come with a tip, either. Raises middle finger)

7. Is Diet Pepsi all right?"
(No, it's not all right. Diet Coke is totally different. And you'll know that once your metabolism slows down and you can't wear those skinny jeans.)

6. "I haven't tried it, but people say they really like it."
(And just who are these people and why do you trust them?)

5. Are you still working on that?
(Yes, and if you touch my plate I will stab your hand with my fork!)

4. Did you save any room for dessert?
(Now that I have the Stomach Compactor 5000, I have room for 3.6 desserts)

3. Wow! You must have been hungry.
(Fuck you.)

2. "You want change?"
(You want a tip?)

1. Sorry, but your credit card was declined. Do you have another you'd like to try?
(No, I don't. It looks like I'm going to decline payment. Have a nice day. Exits quickly.)

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City of Ate