It's been a long day. You're at home watching Top Chef. After three-to-four minutes of actual show, you get an ad blitz (Yes, this scenario implies you don't have TiVo).
There's the ad where Burger King's new meat is getting licked with devil flames, and the throbbing music is trying to sensually coerce you into eating your screen. There's the one where the Subway sandwich bounces on a hard, flat surface and is, golly, just way healthier than that previous ad's burger!
Then. You see it. The ad with the jingle that repeats so frequently, and at such a pitch and timbre, that you consider destroying the TV with a broom. Oh! And that ad where the "manly men" doesn't want to eat that health-food- shit because, you know, they're guys.
Our head's are throbbing just thinking about it. To alleviate our pain, we've culled a list of the most-irritating, throw a centerpiece across the room TV ads going on right now. Be warned, if you've never seen these ads we think you might blow a gasket.
7. Oreo's Webcam Commercial
Oreo: Sure it's cute and sweet. Dad and son sharing a moment despite the time difference and Dad's job pulling him away from tender moments with the family. But here's the thing. It loses all impact after the first viewing. It's like having already seen Primal Fear or Jagged Edge: So there's not brutal murder, but you still can't unknow the million-mile twist. And every time you see it again you'll be just a little more irritated that you already know how the story ends. Cavities and abandonment issues notwithstanding.
6. Guy Fieri's Ritz Cracker Sliders
If you weren't annoyed when Guy Fieri drove a giant, gas-spewing Ritz Cracker truck into these poor people's tailgate, then you must have torn at your hair when Guy Fieri says "rocking Ritz gameday recipes." You know what's "rocking"? A real cheesesteak. From Philadelphia. Also, not wearing sunglasses on the back of your blond tips.
5. Turn the Tub Around "Talkin' 'bout nutrition"?!
Really, Megan Mullally? Really? The woman is a comedic dynamo and a multi-faceted talent, but pelvic thrusting over margarine and working "No hydrogenated oil, so there's no trans fat here" into a disco cover/jingle/earworm that haunts us in our sleep is just too much. We prefer her as Ron Swanson's nemesis Tammy on Parks & Rec and not grinding out of a wrap dress in the faux-dairy aisle. That said, Mullally does certainly love our arteries more than Paula Deen.
We can believe it's not butter. Just sayin'.
4. Applebees Under 550 Calories "Manly Man" Ad
The guys in the ad: Haha! Our dumb asshole friend wants to eat a meal that won't cause arterial damage! He's such a douche, right?
Us: Hey assholes, you're at Applebees.
Not sure what marketing premise is more irritating: the arcane notion that guys only eat ribs and burgers, or that a guy watching his calorie intake is some sort of ass hat.
3. Adrien Brody's Stella Artois
Just pretentious. Film school pretentious. Can someone tranquilize Adrien Brody, please?
2. McDonald's Hand Dance
So Cleary & Harding are acclaimed Irish dancers who have performed with Riverdance and the like and have now decided to sit down and let their hands do the choreography. No problem there, except well, they're using the McCafe as a prop and it's pretty clear there is NOTHING in the cup, so really the idea that it tastes so good it makes them hand dance is total BS. Apparently, since McD's prop stylist didn't care enough to weight the cups, the real message is "The coffee? Not so much. But man, that sugar-slammed whipped cream is slaptastic."
Also, we hate it when two people sit on the same side of the booth. So unnecessary.
And another thing. If the coffee was so good/strong that it made them do that hand dance, it's actually a little concerning that it would also choreograph the bowels a little quickly. You coffee drinkers know what we're talking about.
1. Willy Wonka's Wonka-ceptionals
That...song. That "Under a Waterfall" song.
And when the voiceover says, "Milk chocolate chock full of toffee and peanuty-scrum-didli-umptious-ness." Nails on a chalk--no, wait. A thousand cats, sprinting on a thousand chalkboards. With dentist drills. It's commercial hell.