Top Chef: Seattle Episode 5 Recap: The Ginger Curse Is Real

Episode 5 starts out at Pike Place Market, and the chefs have to make breakfast for the QuickFire. And Padmaboobz's wearing a lot of layers and pants, so you immediately know that this episode is taking the highway to meh.

Things start to maybe possibly look up when Valentine and Tesar end up on the same team for the QuickFire. But, then they put their differences aside and just cook food and they make it through the challenge without any drama, and dammit, Padmaboobz's high neckline warned you it would be like this.

Some chefs who aren't Tesar, Valentine or McPherson win the QuickFire, and Guest Judge, Daisley Gordon, wins Best Name Ever. Then, the teams are told that they'll have to stick together with the same partner for the Elimination Challenge. Every chef and every viewer was annoyed by this. Can we stop with the team challenges and let these emeffers chef alone already?!

The Elimination Challenge started immediately and teams only had two hours to make lunch for some Pike Place Market artisans. Each chef drew a knife for the ingredient they'd have to feature in their dishes. McPherson's team drew chocolate coconut curry, and Valentesar drew truffle popcorn.

Valentine and Tesar proceed to pussyfoot around each other. Valentine makes obvious and major efforts not to stab Tesar in the eye, and Tesar makes huge efforts not to be the kind of guy who's stabbable. They were civil with each other. Not one profanity was uttered. Nobody was called a prick or a monkey or anything.

Result: They made ungood food and ended up in the bottom of the group, facing double-elimination.

They weren't the only team who made bad food on this day. In fact, Angry Tom Colicchio decided that since every dish from every team was so lame, nobody would be winning this challenge at all. And they'd be sending two people home, instead of sending one person home. Ouch.

So, the fact that Tesar and Valentine were in the bottom of the group when everyone put on a shitshow-- that's bad. Judge Hugh Acheson flatly said of their dish, "Those grits suck." And from Angry Tom Colicchio, "It was like someone who has to feed their family and really hates cooking-- that's what it looked like."

I was really worried that Valentine and Tesar would get knocked out, but then CJ saved us all.

CJ was also in the bottom of the group, up for elimination. His artisan ingredient was pickles. So, his team made a burger and put those pickles on it. The judges gave him a hard time for the burger he made, but it looked like he was maybe safe. Until he made fun of Danyele McPherson's dessert. On his way out the door, before the judges would deliberate, he asked why Danyele's team hadn't been in the bottom of the group. He said her chocolate coconut curry dessert was "an abhorrence-- it was diabolical, it was a travesty."

Judge Hugh Acheson simply said, "Well, yours was worse." Top Chef burn. Next scene, CJ is kicked off the show. Why? Because nobody fucks with The Ginger. Not even the other ginger. That's at least two victims of the "you talked shit about McPherson, now you must be eliminated" curse. Be nice to her, lest ye be packing your knives, bitches.

So glad Tesar and Valentine are safe after this challenge. I vote for them to start fighting again so that their food is kickass again. I know you can do it, guys. You got this. And I also hope people keep talking shit about McPherson-- the McPherson Shit Talk Curse hasn't failed her yet.

Episode 6 Predictions: Padmaboobz shows cleave, Tesalentine fight = delicious food again, McPherson saves a kitten from a tree and makes it coconut milk and mahi mahi in the first ever Save A Kitten From A Tree And Then Make It A Snack QuickFire.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade