Top Chef Seattle: Tesar Packs Knives, Goes, Becomes Pickle Hoarder

Dammit, Dallas! Tesar went home this week on Top Chef. They even gave him an extra chance to stay and he came home. Most big of bummers.

The QuickFire was a knife-skills challenge hosted by Bob Kramer, who is a "master bladesmith" and wins points for best job title ever. Josie nicked her hand but didn't spurt blood on anyone. Someone not from Dallas won the challenge.

Then, the Elimination Challenge required the chefs to recreate dishes from past Top Chef seasons. But, of course, they couldn't just make them recreate the dish -- they had to plug a sponsor while making a dish, so they plugged the plug out of Healthy Choice and required the chefs to make healthier versions of the dishes from the past. The winner gets $15,000, and their healthy dish gets reverse engineered by Healthy Choice and ruined into frozen dinner!

Everybody made their dishes, and Tesar said the words, "Risotto curse." It's true. You try to make a risotto on Top Chef and odds are, you're going home. Mostly because any time someone tries to make a risotto, they have some ridiculous challenge twist like, "Oh, we forgot to tell you -- you have four minutes to complete this challenge!" or "Hey guys! Remember how we told you you could use water for this challenge? Welp, turns out: nope."

As Tesar is making his risotto, he worries that the equipment he's using isn't level. Loudly complains about this on camera.

The judges for the challenge are a buncha dudes probably nobody's ever heard of: Wylie Dufresne, Wolfgang Puck and Jonathan Waxman. No big deal. Just dudes. (Every chef asks for new pants after presenting their dishes.)

Valentine's dish is one of the most liked of the group (Woot! Yay Pork Man for doing a good job with pork! You got this!), and Tesar's dish is one of the least liked (DAMMIT, RISOTTO CURSE).

At the Judges' Table, Tesar complains about the equipment in the kitchen, saying there wasn't a level pot in the kitchen. Then, Wolfgang Puck says Tesar's making excuses.

Then, out of nowhere, after the judges have already told Valentine he's safe from elimination, Valentine calls Tesar out and says there was actually equipment in the kitchen that was level, and fine for cooking risotto -- Tesar just didn't use it.

Ooh. Chef burn for no reason.

Tesar and a chef named Lizzy are in the bottom two of the group and face elimination. Usually, one is just told to pack knives and go at this point, but because this season is the season of last chances, they give Tesar and Lizzy their first last chance to stay on the show. It's time for a cook-off.

Each chef is tasked with making a healthier version of a burger with pickles on it that CJ made earlier in the season. Let's see who should slam dunk this challenge: Uh, guy who owned a kickass cheffy burger joint, maybe? Giving Tesar a burger challenge is like challenging Wolfgang Puck to an awesome accent-having talk-off. This burger challenge should be in the bag.

During the challenge, Lizzy says Tesar can use some of the dill she grabbed from the kitchen. He takes all of it. Blam. Lizzy is upset, but doesn't punch him. Lame.

After being a dillhole, Tesar realizes that he could have just stolen all the pickles and completely walked away with the challenge. He says several times that if her burger hadn't had any pickles on it, that she would automatically have lost. But, he chose to share the pickles instead of stealing them because "that's just who I am." Solid.

He kept talking about pickles so much that it should have been a drinking game. Then, they told him to pack his knives and go.

Then, he went where all the chefs who are getting kicked off go this season: to Last Chance Kitchen. For his last, last chance to stay on the show. It went like this:

Tesar is sent home after his last, last chance.

But then they say you can vote for him to come back to the show. Apparently, if you like the contestants who've been kicked of, they have a last, last, last chance to come back. (No, the show will never end ever.) So, if you want more Tesar on Top Chef, tweet #savechefjohn in the next five days and you can see his face on the TV some more. If it were me, I'd demand something from him before you just tweet to save him. I'm going to make him promise to say "donghole" on the show if he wants my vote. You choose whatever terms you wish.

Predictions for next week: Boring episode until Valentine puts his dick in the mashed potatoes, because he thought it was going to "be that kind of party."

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