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Top Chef Seattle: Valentine and Tesar Don't Make Out. Again.

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Welcome to another episode of Top Chef: Seattle, during which nothing really happens that is all that interesting. Read: Tesar and Valentine don't fight, make out or even rap battle. We're not asking for much, you guys -- just one freaking dance off, one table flip, one tense face-to-face meeting at a restaurant to try to work out your relationship issues during which someone misuses "literally." This is Bravo. Please start being Bravo-y.

The QuickFire of this episode required the contestants to create dishes using oysters. At one point, Tesar called oysters "nature's candy," which we all know is factually incorrect. Bacon is nature's candy. Dude needs to consult a fact book and get his facts straight.

Things started to maybe get interesting when the man chefs were talking shit about Josie because she called them "boring." Josie heard them, of course, and then she called them out, saying, "This tree up here, you don't want to bark up. This tree up here knows who she is." (She's a tree. Never specifies what kind, for the record. I'm going with pecan. But, maybe she's more like that kid from that Timothy Green movie nobody saw. I dunno. Either way, she hates barks but she's a tree. Internal struggle much?) Then, she went straight for the jugular and said, "Micah, you're hiding in a closet."

Uh. OK, fine, Micah's in a closet -- but, which closet? Is he hiding in the molecular gastronomy closet? The foam closet? The "I think that Cinnamon sounds like a stripper name, but Sage and Saffron and Micah Fields don't sound like stripper names" closet?

Also, gotta say if he's hiding in a closet, he's either pretty bad at hiding, since we can all see him, or Josie doesn't know what a closet is. Probably because she's a tree and trees don't know shit about closets.

During the Elimination Challenge, Tesar calls his Thai beef dish "fun in a bowl." Then, Colicchio's contract says he has to say, "What you gave us was teriyaki terrible." Everyone barfs inside their bodies from the sucking of this episode, including Colicchio.

Tesar wins yet another Elimination Challenge, Valentine is in the bottom of the group and his mustache complains about it, both chefs make it out of this episode safe. Yay Dallas!

Predictions for next episode: Tesar wins another Elimination Challenge, turning him into giant chef robot of doom, Valentine's mustache claims that it is a cactus, Stefan cuddles with the Hawaiian guy and it's not weird at all.

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