Top Chef Seattle: Valentine Makes Fun of People While Having a Handlebar Mustache

On last night's Top Chef, the contestants were on a cruise ship headed to Alaska. The QuickFire was two hours long, and they had to feed 200 people innovative dishes using iceberg lettuce. Valentine made a tiny wedge salad. Pretty much everyone incorporated bacon into their dishes. And Padmaboobz was wearing a boring sweater. In short, it was the most unbelievably gripping segment of reality television that has ever been on televisions. Never watch it.

After the QuickFire, two of the chefs, Sheldon and Lizzy, went to go get manicures to relax before the Elimination Challenge.

Cut to Josh Valentine talking shit about men who get manicures. "Where I come from," he said, "men don't get manicures." Yeah, because men are supposed to have nasty-ass hands. Yeah, go guy stuff!

I believe he even winked at the camera after having said this. Awesome. This manly man-talk from a dude who's usually wearing a newsboy cap and has a freshly greased-and-twirled handlebar mustache. And whose last name directly translates to "hearts and romance and happy pink-and-red-rainbow-glitterbombs and men totally get manicures and that's fine."

I was really hoping they'd cut away from this commentary to a slow-motion montage of a shirtless Valentine primal-screaming while tenderizing chicken with his bare fists. (Music selection: Drowning Pool's Let the Bodies Hit the Floor.) But, they didn't.

They will absolutely tackle this comment on the reunion show, since you're on Bravo and Bravo don't take no sexist crap about no manicures. So, thanks, Josh, for making Future Us sit through Padmaboobz giving you the stink-eyebrow and you having to sputter through that, saying you were just kidding. You're going to have to at least motorboat Emeril Lagasse to make up for this.

In Who-Got-Kicked-Off-The-Island news, Valentine didn't win the challenge and Stefan's out. So, that happened. Yay, Valentine's still in it! We hope you win, 'Stache Man!

Predictions for next week: Valentine makes fun of Brooke for not having a holiday-inspired name, because "Where I come from, everyone's named after a holiday."

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade