Last week, when they teased this week's episode of Top Chef: Seattle, Padma promised me that the chefs would battle it out during restaurant wars. I was really excited to see Viking Valentine with an axe, or maybe Merman Valentine busting out a trident on someone's ass. But it didn't happen. Instead, the chefs were split into two teams and each team opened a restaurant. Then, the judges ate some food.
The whole thing would've been a let down if Valentine hadn't made some dishes that looked totally bone-worthy.
Valentine's team opened a restaurant named Urbano, with a modern Filipino menu. His first Restaurant Wars dish was his version of balut, which traditionally uses a fertilized duck embryo, and usually looks like this:
I give you Valentine's Egg Thing: poached egg, duck confit, foie gras mousse. Basically, he made eggduckengoose. And I'm all for it.
The second dish Valentine was responsible for was Halo-Halo: Coconut sorbet, avocado mousse, banana & shredded coconut. Uh, yes please in face. FT33, please let Valentine make Dallas this, stat.
When the judges tasted the Valentine's Egg Thing dish, Tom Colicchio noted that the flavors weren't Filipino, "but it was good." Valentine got high praise from the rest of the panel for his dishes, and was safe from elimination. Which proves the Top Chef theory that my household believes in, which is "Fuck the challenge, make good food." If your food is good, they won't send you home. The judges are likely to even mention your dish as one of their favorites of the night, saying something like, "We know the challenge was supposed to be chicken and waffles, but that foie gras and pound cake was freaking delicious. Maybe my favorite dish of the night. We can't send her home for that."
What they can send you home for, apparently, is not participating in the shit talk at judges' table. When it's your turn, if you don't stand up for yourself and say, "Josie didn't freaking put the dang gelatin in the dang bouillabaisse at the right time, which made our whole operation into a shit show." If you don't say, "Yeah, I plated her dishes. And you know what, she's lucky I plated that crapsauce instead of punching her in the ouch parts," then they send you home. Even if you're one of the most talented chefs on the show. Because: I dunno why, fuck you, I guess. Padmaboobz got pissed that you didn't play Anger Time with her, and nobody pisses off The 'Boobz.
It looked like Kristen thought she was choosing the high road by not talking trash about Josie, but really she was taking the "not telling the judges what really happened while Josie cried at the judges" road. Kristen goes home. More importantly: JOSH VALENTINE STAYS! Dallas is still in it! Go Valentine!
Predictions for next week: All Mustache All The Time Challenge, sponsored by Gillette, requires chefs to make dishes inspired by and using their mustaches. Valentine is a favorite to win with his Handlebar Funk Broth.