Topo Chico, I Love You the Very Most

Sometimes, I drink things that contain no alcohol at all. These occurrences are relatively rare, but it is important that I not be entirely tanked for my regular 10 a.m. conference call. One cannot survive on gin alone, which means that zero-proof libations are an absolutely essential part of our lives.

Doctors suggest that we replace all of that sugar and chemicals from our old soda habits with water, but water is boring. There are only so many glasses of plain-ass water that you can chug before you're ready to strangle Gwyneth Paltrow and everyone else who ever told you that healthy living was worth it. You've tried the stupid fruit infusions and the weird flavoring additives that are mostly propylene glycol, but hopefully you've just grown up and moved on to fizzy water.

Fizzy water is for fancy ass bitches. It is what you order at the bar when you're feeling the need to sober up, but still want to look cool holding a wine glass. Most of the time, if you're in a quality establishment, they'll offer you San Pellegrino, or maybe they're busted and only have Perrier. But if you're truly lucky, they'll have Topo Chico, the indisputable world champion of fizzy waters. And that's a title that I'm willing to fight nine rounds over.

If you don't drink Topo Chico on a regular basis, you are missing out on one of the food world's simplest and most delicious pleasures. When it's 100 degrees outside and your face is melting off, a cold Topo Chico will actually make you want to live again. Way back in Tenochtitlan times, the fizzy waters from the source spring in Northern Mexico were believed to have healing powers, a fact that you can confirm yourself by pounding a frosty bottle when suffering from a raging hangover.

Topo Chico is also great in that it is the best sparkling water in the world without being fancy or pretentious. You can cart home an entire case of Topo Chico for less than a buck each, and laugh at all those idiots who are still spending more on Pellegrino. And yet, you can still pour it into one of those wine glasses that you stole from a restaurant and pretend, if only for a second, that you are a person with actual class.

Should you choose to mix it with booze, and you absolutely should, Topo Chico will seriously elevate your cocktail game. That bullshit Schweppes club soda that you've been passing off as "sparkling water" at your home cocktail parties will be completely unpalatable once you've swapped Topo Chico into your favorite drink recipes. Mixed with gin or vodka, lime juice, mint and a shitload of Sonic Ice, Topo Chico rounds out the simplest, most perfect cocktail for just about any occasion.

As Champagne is to "sparkling wine," Topo Chico is to "sparkling water." Stop being so pretentious with your San Pellegrino and drink an actually delicious, actually healthy mineral water. We're looking at you too, Dallas restaurants -- Topo Chico belongs on every single menu in this city.

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