Cheap Bastard

Tortas La Hechizara

Minutes it took me to decide what I wanted because there was so much good-lookin' stuff on the menu count: 5

Minutes I waited for my food once I'd ordered it count: 3

You ever have one of those moments when you just feel like you've been living a lie? Like when you thought Barbie and the Rockers were the best band ever and then you discovered Jem, or when you were 24 and your mom told you she wasn't your mom? Me too.

My moment was when I went to Tortas La Hechizera on Montfort (they have several locations in Dallas, so don't get all huffy if you work downtown and you don't want to drive that far), and I ordered from the section of the menu titled "Las Peligrosas" a torta they call "el Aragón." It boasted beef fajita meat, rajas de poblano (which is basically sautéed onions and poblano peppers), melty cheese, raw onion, fresh tomato, sour cream and avocado on a big-as-your-ass-is-gonna-be-from-eating-at-this-place-every-day-from-now-on bun. I took my Mexican Coca-Cola to a table and watched some music videos on Univision while I waited for my food. When it arrived at my table, my Mexican Coca-Cola and I were totally intimidated. This torta is huge and unwieldy, and it made me a little nervous (you wish she said that). I took a bite (you don't wish she said that). And without taking my eyes off of el Aragón, I quietly asked my Mexican Coca-Cola one important question, "What the fuck?," as in, "What the fuck have I been doing with my life? How many goddamned cold-cut combos have I five-dollar-footlonged that could have been tortas filled with avocado and smoky poblano mouth parties instead? I want to personally hunt down and punch in the urinary tract every ass hat who ever opened a Subway." My Mexican Coca-Cola just fizzed knowingly at me as if to say, "Yeah, you're a fuckin' idiot." Seriously, people. I said, "Oh, my God" aloud so many times while eating this thing that everyone else in the restaurant totally thought I was faking it. But, I'm telling you this thing is world-changing. Lucky I got myself on that Michael Phelps diet so that the fact that I ate the whole thing in one sitting seems halfway reasonable. And seemed even more reasonable after I got totally baked. Best nine bucks I've spent in a very long time. (No offense, Man Hooker Thor.)

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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