There are those that love dresses, ribbons and the other flowery things that come with weddings, and then there are those of us who show up for the free drunk. It's not that we have disdain for the sanctity of marriage; we just really like alcohol. We also share a common fear that getting married might some how temper our ability to imbibe.
#Teambooze is usually united by other common causes: an affinity for an urban lifestyle driven by contempt for the suburbs; a fetish for latest-revision, over-priced gadgetry; a sneering and disgusted reaction to anything that could chip away at our time to think about ourselves; and of course babies, because they threaten to erode all these values in one poop-stained swoop.
Relax, parents, before you brand us as complete assholes, you should know we don't actually hate your greatest accomplishments; we just hate hearing you talking about them. And we hate it even more when you bombard us with an endless stream of pictures of them.
Trust us: Your baby is not in any way cute until it's capable of whipping up an omelet, and the fact that you fill our Facebook feeds with every nuance of their development prevents us from getting to the next great Internet meme.
I was actually at a wedding celebration, gathered with other baby detractors, when I heard about a potential solution to Facebook babies. Unbaby.me is a magical application that not only strips your Facebook stream of anything that drools or wears a onesie, but also replaces it with pictures of anything you want. Users only have to choose the appropriate Instagram feed and the replacements are funneled off.
It's the ability to customize those pictures that made me most excited, because I instantly knew what I was going to do to all my friend's kids. I was going to turn all of those insufferable, pink-skinned droolers into images that would make me drool myself. I was going to turn them into tacos.
And when you're lucky, that's just how the Chrome extension works. After downloading and installing the software, you choose a photosteam you want to pull from (tacos, pizzas, cats if you must) and then browse Facebook like you normally would, only baby-free.
When it's working, that is. The extension uses keywords associated with the Facebook post to determine whether or not to convert the picture. You can configure those words, but that process is tricky. One of my friends dressed her pet in pajamas, and a defenseless wiener dog was instantly turned into barbacoa. Another friend talks like a sailor -- her kid doesn't toot, he "craps his pants" and is a "real player" -- so her baby made it through the filter gauntlet without a single drop of hot sauce.
Still, the potential that seemingly anything can be turned into a taco is somewhat exciting, so I emailed the folks behind Super Serious, LLC., who offer the extension, to talk out the bugs. The software seemed to work well on one of my laptops, but not on a friend's, and an awful lot of baby pictures were making it through the filter unscathed. After an unnamed respondent offered one quick fix that didn't address the issue at all, I got a short, and perfectly self-indulgent and dismissive "works fine on my end," in response.
#Teambooze all the way.
Apparently they're working on a major release that should be out in a few weeks. Until then, turn your friends offspring into tacos (or brisket, or mac and cheese) at your own risk.