Apparently, Oreo cookies have recently decided that they'd like to be Doritos. I was in Walmart the other day (because I hadn't showered recently enough to be allowed into Target) and there, while questing for these unwantable new Watermelon Creme Oreos, I saw at least 20 different Oreo flavor options. Including, but not limited to: Golden Oreos, Banana Split Creme Oreos, Birthday Cake Oreos, Cool Mint Oreos, Peanut Butter Oreos, Chocolate Berry Burst Oreos, and (most confusing of all) Summer Oreos (with blue centers in the middle. Summer tastes like blue toilet water looks? OK).
When did Oreo start screwing with their recipe? Nobody asked us about this when it was up for decision at the giant, must-be-shaped-like-a-bigass-Oreo-Oreo-board-of-directors table. If they had, we would have said, "That's super dumb. Nobody wants to eat actual watermelons with Oreos. Why in the many fucks would they want to eat fake watermelon with Oreos? (And here's where I slap your face.)"
Based on their recent weird-ass-flavor-inventing history, here are our five predictions for the next frightening flavor of Oreo:
1. Whitening Strip Oreos Whiten your teeth while giving yourself cavities! Makes sense! It's exactly what you want from a cookie!
2. 4th of July Picnic Oreos These kickass new Oreos taste like brisket-beer-binge burps and accidentally exploded-off fingers! Dip them in barbecue sauce for a real treat. What more could you want from a cookie?
3. Sriracha Oreos We're actually 100 percent on board with this idea. This is not a joke idea. These would be delicious, just based on science. Sriracha + (anything) = awesome.
4. Doritos Tacos Locos Taco Bell Oreos Finally. Doritos Taco Bell Oreos! So many logos on this packaging, it has to be good!
5. Walk of Shame Oreos They taste like sanitary wipes and regret! Swallow 'em -- don't spit, you cookie slut!
Dear Oreos: Just be Oreos, y'all. You're weird and awesome just the way you are, and everyone will still like you. Promise. You don't have to be flavor blasted to be lovable. (But if you do get Sriracha-ed, we're definitely going to try those.)