Food News

Which Food Trend Are You?

Who cares which Golden Girl you are? OK, Facebook really, really cares. But, wouldn't you rather know which food trend you are? OF COURSE YOU WOULD. Behold: The Which Food Trend Are You Quiz. Behold it. And get out your solar-powered calculator or a 5-year-old.

Answer the following questions. Then, our fancy system (read: your calculator or small child) will add up your score and reveal your answer.

Which Food Trend Are You?

How many different kinds of salt are currently in your pantry? 1) Just one. That chick in the raincoat is on it. 2) Two. 3) Three or more.

Which side of the bed do you sleep on? 1) Right 2) Left 3) That shit is all mine.

What's the lowest dollar amount that's ever been on your Whole Foods receipt? 1) Less than $50 (You're lying, you freaking liar. This is impossible. I know you buy all that Vitamin Code there. And a cup of that vegan gluten-free chowder costs at least $60.) 2) Less than $100 3) What's Whole Foods?

Sometimes, do you think Anthony Bourdain is super hot, and then you look at him again and he reminds you of your grandpa and then you get all weirded out that basically you just thought about boning your grandpa? 1) No, never. 2) I'm gonna say no, but totally yes. 3) Yes, all the time. I'm glad I'm not alone on this one.

How many fingers am I holding up? 1) 3 2) 1 3) 2

It's time to add up your score! One point for each question you answered "1," two points for each "2," and three points for each "3." Your food trend is on the next page!

Score: 5 to 6 You're Macaron! People always pronounce your name wrong, and you smell like happiness and rainbows. Behind your back, your friends say you wear too much pastel.

Score: 7 You're Foam! You get deflated super easily. People regularly tell you to stop drooling on their food. Also, Kent Rathbun hates you.

Score: 8 You're Cronut! You're absolutely right: Everyone is just jealous of you.

Score: 9 to 10 You're Squid Ink! Your presence is a visual crap on every pretty thing you're around. But, people feel cooler for knowing you.

Score: 11 to 12 You're Sriracha! You take over every conversation about food that you're in. People love you or hate you. Either way, they all call you a cock to your face.

Score: 13 You're Locally Sourced! You're responsible. You always make your friends feel good about themselves. And sometimes you're a major pain in the ass to find. Answer your goddamned phone.

Score: 14 You're Umami! Everybody says they love you, but only one or two people really know who the fuck you actually are.

Score: 15 You're a Wendy's Pretzel Bun! Nobody wants you. You drink too much whiskey. Change your underwear and call your mother.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade

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