Cheap Bastard

Zoe's Kitchen: It's a Mom's World

Stroller count: 3

Dude count: 1

I heard that the chicken salad at Zoe's Kitchen was The Shit, so I stopped by the Lovers Lane location to check it out. And when I got there, it was clear to me that I hadn't been fully briefed on the dress code. Apparently, I was supposed to bring my mom, my stroller and my inside voice with me, and nobody told me. I was immediately surrounded by runny-nosed 4-year-olds who were repeatedly walking face-first into the corners of the tables (in knee-jerk response to which I pointed and also laughed) and their braggadocious moms drinking their iced tea and gabbing about how awesome Dora the Fucking Explorer is. One poor dude sat in the corner typing furiously on his laptop. I was one high chair away from pushing him out of the place and screaming, "Ruuuuuuuuun!!!"

And holy crap, the art on the walls in this place sucked so hard. I don't know how much they paid for it, but they should get their money back. Most of the stuff was just abstract blobs with a big arrow pointing to it and a description written next to it about what it was supposed to be that said stuff like, "rainbo." What, is spelling shit wrong "artsy" now? So embarrassing. I swear, a lizard with a paintbrush shoved up its ass could have produced a more interesting group of work. I hear you already, "But, Alice, the stuff on the walls was kid art." I don't want to hear it. Ugly's ugly. If I had a kid that painted that crappily, I'd be firing his art teacher. And it wasn't just me—even other kids in the place were disgusted by the work on the walls. I heard one kid call the display "amateurish" and "poopie-looking." Another little dude looked at the art, looked at me and crapped his pants. I had to agree.

So, how was the chicken salad sandwich? It was pretty good. Your standard mayo plus chicken, with lettuce and tomato. It came with chips and fruit and a drink for less than 10 bucks, which was cool. I kind of got the feeling that it was talked up mom-style, though. People told me it was "sooooo goooood" and that I "haaad to try it." I think there might be Xanax in the water at this place. If you come here, you'll probably enjoy the food, but it's also highly likely that you could start lactating. All I know is, I left the place 8 1/2 months pregnant.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade