Not only are we, like we're sure you are, genuinely excited about the return of Arrested Development on May 26, we also have absolutely no idea what will happen. The family, those blowhards, could be scattered around the globe, and indeed initial reports suggested that there wouldn't be a massive amount of family interaction.
So after extensive playtesting that saw us receive treatment for alcohol poisoning on not one but five separate occasions, we present to you the result of being forced to watch Arrested Development and drink alcohol for our jobs.
Normally I write these things with a series of punchy and entirely unrelated bullet points. However, given the incredible variation in Arrested Development, it's almost impossible to draw common occurrences into a format that will make you drink enough to give you the buzz you so desire. While I would love to drink every time Franklin channels GOB's unspeakable perception of an entire race, that wouldn't get me very drunk.
Similarly, we just don't know what the storylines are going to be. We're not illusionists. We did some serious boiling down, and here's what we've got. It might be a huge mistake. It's a series of related bullet points.
We hope you can get onboard with this change.
• Pick a character. Any character. You're going to want one of the main ones, for reasons that will become apparent.
• Now, you are this character. You're going to be rooting for this character to be as low-down and scheming as they can possibly be, because that's how the Bluths work. They're all scheming, all the time.
• Every time your character is clearly lying to someone's face, everyone else takes a drink. You have a veto. You see why it's a good idea to choose a main character now? Choose Bob Loblaw and you're up a certain creek without any kind of rowing implement. It's up to you to call it for your character ("Yeah! I'm lying!"). If you miss it, you miss it.
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• Every time your character is seen plotting and scheming, everyone else takes a drink. You'd be amazed how often this happens. In playtesting we found it surprising how much Michael, who is clearly everyone's perceived good guy, is plotting and scheming, if not to misdirect his family members then to keep George Michael in the dark. Buster, on the other hand (pun intended), generally does not have a clue what's going on, although that scheme to get into Mexico was pretty good.
• If your character does something good, selfless, and kind, finish your drink. Just you. No one else. This makes your choice something of a gamble and also forces you to will your Bluth into the worst behavior possible, which is fun.
As soon as your character does a nice thing (this doesn't happen very often) everyone should point and you and laugh. If the patsy doesn't finish their drink, the chicken dances should come out. This whole drinking game is competitive and silly, much like the nature of the Bluth family.
• Bonus rule: Drink every time Netflix buffers or crashes under the strain of the entire country trying to stream Arrested Development at the same time.