You’ve probably already heard from every music media outlet on the planet that Dallas’ own patron saint of indie-pop, St. Vincent, aka Annie Clark, made an appearance back in her hometown last week. She wasn’t playing an intimate show or recording an album — she was at Resident Taqueria serving up guacamole made with peas. (But of course.) A musician waiting tables doesn't normally spur headlines, but considering St. Vincent’s success (and that of her supermodel girlfriend Cara Delevigne), you’d think that our hometown girl wouldn’t have to do physical labor anymore.
But, because St. Vincent is an actual human being and not the bizarre pop-demigoddess that most of us believe her to be, she decided to help out at the family restaurant. Which made us think: If some of the other most well-known musicians who call (or called) Dallas home decided to come back and pick up a regular job, what would it be? These artists are probably never going to do any of these jobs, but we can dream, right?
The D.O.C., Club Bouncer
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Literally no one would get out of line when the D.O.C. told them to chill the fuck out, even at a place like Trees, where the crowd can get rowdy and/or turnt for a group like Body Count, the metal band of fellow rapper Ice-T. Imagine the D.O.C. punching out a guy in the middle of the line for Ratatat because he tried to grab your ass. We’re just imagining that the D.O.C. is a really chivalrous guy, but it’s probably true.
Selena Gomez, Jazzercize Instructor
It’s already pretty clear that Selena Gomez has some seriously good moves, and those might be best put to use teaching Highland Park moms how to get their groove on while burning lots and lots of calories. Besides, it would definitely be easier than all that touring and all those music videos, right? Should Gomez ever want to make it back to her hometown of Garland, there are plenty of gyms that could totally use her experience with choreographed dance.
Leon Bridges, Haberdasher
Leon Bridges is already the oldest of old souls, which makes him a perfect fit as the guy who’s going to sell you an impossibly dapper hat. He’s already got the perfect tight-cuffed shirts and old-school suits, so it’s not like he’d even have to buy a uniform. Perhaps he could join the staff at Macgregor & Co. in Bishop Arts, where he could busk with the normals after his hat-selling shift is over. We wouldn’t want to see Bridges stop making music just because he’s so passionate about peaked fedoras.
Sarah Jaffe, Barista
You know, if Sarah Jaffe hadn’t gotten so lucky with the success of “Clementine,” and then again with her digital reinvention, she could very well be the charming woman who serves you a cup of coffee at Mudsmith Coffee. But now that she’s a legit big star, we’d all settle for just one shift of Jaffe singing out our latte orders. Perhaps to benefit the animals or something.
Erykah Badu, Head Shop Employee
Head shop employees, as a general rule, are usually not the most interesting people. They love their weed and terrible stoner rap, but that’s about it. But if someone as effortlessly badass as Erykah Badu sold you a new bong — ahem, water pipe — it would be the best thing that had ever happened to you, aside from the time you ran into her in Deep Ellum and told her about how much “Tyrone” speaks to your experience with men.
Kacey Musgraves, Boot Seller
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She’s already designed her own line of boots for Lucchese, so it would make a lot of sense to see Golden’s own country chanteuse Kacey Musgraves slinging boots at Shepler’s. If you’re really lucky, maybe she’ll take you out back for a good old fashioned smoke-n’-bitch session. Whether it’s a cigarette or a joint, well, that’s up to you. If she’s as good at gossiping as she is at writing about it, it’s going to be one hell of a time.
Vanilla Ice, Pinkberry
Okay, so Vanilla Ice hasn’t been famous (or lived in Dallas) for a really long time, but you’d still recognize Rob Van Winkle behind the counter of your neighborhood fro-yo shop. You can reminisce about dancing to “Ice Ice Baby” at your prom or whatever, and then yell at him for forgetting his visor on the scale while weighing your yogurt. You’re not paying $2.12 more because that jackass wanted to wear a half-hat to work.