Good morning, potheads. Enjoy your wake and bake? Good, good, glad to hear it. We hope your early-morning sesh was, like, "totally killer."
Where were we, you ask?
Oh. About that. Well, sorry to "harsh your mellow" and all, but, um, some of us don't work behind the counter at the local head shop; we have actual, real jobs that require us to be places between 9 a.m. and 5 p.m., and we can't just wander around participating in all those "chill" activities you and your buddies have so diligently planned for your fake holiday today.
So, on that note, we present you with what's sure to be "a major buzz kill." Yes, that's right: We've compiled a list of songs about not doing drugs -- or at least songs that serve as a little bit of a warning about where these illicit substances can take you.
Why? Because there are way too many songs glorifying you and your stupid-ass dreads. Also: Because we have real jobs.
See our list after the jump. And, if you don't like it, try reading it on weed.
15. Marilyn Manson -- "Coma White"
In the chorus, Manson sings that "all the drugs in the world won't save her from herself." Well, guess what, stoner? He's talking to your dumb, unable-to-interpret-metaphors ass.
14. The Verve -- "The Drugs Don't Work"
It's in the song title, stupid.
13. Jimmy Eat World -- "Drugs or Me"
Pick one, already. (HINT: Don't pick drugs.)
12. Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "Under The Bridge"
Sure, do drugs. Then end up homeless, sleeping under a bridge, talking asinine bullshit about how the city is your "only friend," and all that. Good choice.
11. Guns N' Roses -- "Mr. Brownstone"
You know what happens if you used to do a little, but a little wouldn't do it? Some dude dances with you. And then he won't leave you alone.
10. Grateful Dead -- "Casey Jones"
If you have to do drugs, do them. Just keep your velocity in check.
9. Huey Lewis -- "I Want A New Drug"
Like Ke$ha after him, Huey Lewis was all about the drug of love. Every other one made him sick. Or made his eyes red. Or didn't do what it should. Or everything else he says in this song.
8. Third Eye Blind -- "Semi-Charmed Life"
Stephan Jenkins' greatest contribution to society: "Doing crystal meth will lift you up until you break." Semi-charmed, indeed.
7. Modest Mouse -- "The Good Times Are Killing Me"
...AND THEY'RE KILLING YOU, TOO.
6. Eminem -- "Drug Ballad"
When six hits won't even get you high any more, you have a problem.
5. K's Choice -- "I'm Not An Addict"
Cold, alone and on your own is no way to go through life, son.
4. The Modern Lovers -- "I'm Straight"
Date Hippie Johnny, who's stoned all the time. Or date Modern Lovers lead singer Jonathan Richman, who's totally straight-edge. Give you one guess as to which is probably better for you in the long run!
3. Nine Inch Nails -- "Hurt"
I'll tell you what you've become, Trent: An Oscar winner! But, seriously, what were the odds? Best not to test them.
2. Afroman -- "Because I Got High"
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Drugs made Afroman a paraplegic! (In the song. No one knows what happened to him in real life.)
1. Grandmaster Melle Mel -- "White Lines (Don't Do It)"
...and if you get hooked, baby, it's nobody else's fault. So don't do it!