If you were a season ticket holder for the Dallas Cowboys this year, you have my deepest sympathy.
It may not have been the worst season in the franchise's history, but the campaign to an 8-8 finish still felt abysmal and sad — like a wandering drunk who somehow finds his way home. He may be safe, but he'll have to wake up tomorrow and face the rest of his life.
The Cowboys missed the playoffs again thanks to a heart-wrenching Week 17 loss to the Philadelphia Eagles after a season of struggles. Then, coach Jason Garrett took the blame, because you can't fire the owner, which means next season will be another uncertain, tiring march toward the tiniest sliver of hope.
Since the Cowboys don't look like they are going to be contending for the Super Bowl any time soon, comedian Danny Neely decided to give them their own song anyway with "The 9-7 Shuffle," a parody of the 1985 Chicago Bears' Grammy-nominated (seriously!) rap single "The Super Bowl Shuffle."
Neely performed his anthem to mediocrity in December at the Dallas Comedy House as part of his monthly comedy monologue show People Watching and later uploaded it to his YouTube channel. The next edition of People Watching starts at 8 p.m. Saturday, Jan. 11.
It's not just an accurate wrap-up of the Cowboys' dismal march toward meh. It's also a spot-on parody of the awkward sounds and moves from the Bears' "Super Bowl Shuffle" music video.
"I love the original 'Super Bowl Shuffle' because it's so earnest and everyone in the video is really going for it," Neely says. "I wanted to do a parody version for Dallas, and I thought it would be funny if the team was braggadocious about their mediocrity."
Mimicking the Bears' classic song, Neely steps out onstage in an Amari Cooper No. 19 Cowboys jersey, sporting a pair of Ray-Ban sunglasses and carrying an unnecessary trumpet that he clearly can't play (or at least his character can't). His song boasts about how uninspiring and dull the season was, with a big smile on his face and an exuberance that Cowboys fans should hope their team's staff isn't feeling right now.
"The O-line is fine but they'll give up a sack, that's why it helps to have a mobile quarterback," Neely raps. "With (Dak) Prescott at the helm we'll be at least average, our team's so-so but our payroll is lavish."
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Neely admits he doesn't root for the Cowboys since he's a Kansas City native, but he had a feeling the Dallas fans in the crowd wouldn't mind.
"I'm a KC native so the Chiefs are my team, but 'The 12-4 Shuffle' wouldn't have played as well," Neely says. "I have definitely gotten the sense that Cowboys fans are unhappy though, so I imagined people would be on board."
In fact, Neely got immediate responses from fans.
"When the show ended, a guy in the bar area jokingly said it hurt his feelings but it was justified," Neely says of his song. "He and his wife were in town to watch the game."