The myth of Saint Valentine marrying young kids in the face of Claudius' imminent draft are nothing if not romantic. Yet Valentine's Day just isn't a real holiday. It's as tedious to loathe it as to love it. Those bemoaning their lack of roses or boasting of their pre-fixe dinner reservations are equally irritating.
No matter. On Valentine's Day, you should have one constant Valentine: yourself. So tonight, sugars, I hope you will at least raise a toast to you, and if there is someone else in your bed, fantastic! You didn't need to finish that whole bottle of champagne all by yourself anyway. (But it is totally fine if you do!)
Here are some ways to woo yourself a bit, without even leaving your house, which I am all for. Did you know sometimes Dallas will come to you?
1. Make your next seduction playlist Okay, folks. There is an art to this. Schroeder already tipped you to a great Dallas one making the rounds, but I bet you have a great music library of songs you are just dying to make out to. You'll want to hit that perfect pitch of mid-tempo songs that don't profess your undying love too much but still set the mood. Portishead, Jill Scott, the Radio Dept., The Weeknd and the entirety of Janet Jackson's underrated Velvet Rope album. Set the mood and speak your next seduction into the universe. Next time you nab a sweetheart, all you'll have to do is light a few candles and throw on your mix. The seducee will never know what hit 'em. (Also see the Love Jones soundtrack. Actually, you may not be able to do better than that, sorry.)
2. Read your future. Er, have it read. I went to a private party this weekend and in addition to getting our Thai food delivered, we got other-worldly goodness served up on the premises, too. Megan Benanti, also known as Nattacia, brought the cards and the energy as we all opened ourselves up for this self-reflective exercise. Benanti used to have a table on weekends at Central 214, where you could indulge in a cocktail and reading. It's evident how she became a popular fixture: Her sense of humor equals that of her intuition. Invite her into your home so you can consult the cards about the climate of your life and romance and just see what happens.
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If you want something a little more intimate, consider purchasing your own deck from the Labyrinth or visit this lovely little site for an online reading. Make yourself a little picnic by the fire, spread the cards and treat yourself to that bottle of wine you have been saving. Now, meditate on how you are the one that got away, not vice versa.
3. Browse the missed connections page on Craigslist You should really just be doing this anyway, and now is as good a time as any. Just today SOMEONE MISSED A LADY AT THE KING KHAN SHOW! Was it you? TELL US IF IT WAS YOU!
Look, you are going to come across a few weird solicitations in this C-List thread but mostly it's like eavesdropping on little conversations, descriptions of how people met, and little hints to help find each other. If you are a fan of eavesdropping as much as I am, missed connections is pure gold. I get it, Craigslist can be creepy, and murderers be murdering, but if we can all decide not to actually contact anyone, it's a pretty fun read.
That said, anyone have any stories of these things working? I don't know a single soul who will cop to it. And I know some weirdos.
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4. Okay, fine. Get some trashy magazines and a pint of ice cream. I was really trying to elevate this whole not giving a shit about Valentine's Day thing, but you're right. You can only take so much of your co-workers literally picking up the vase(s) of delivered flowers and putting them on your desk so you think you got flowers, BUT REALLY SHE WANTS TO BRAG ABOUT HER BOYFRIEND. Again! Oh, goody.
Sometimes men will be boys, women will be girls and dammit, my feelings taste like ice cream. Here is where P-Nutty's comes in. Started by Patrick Sullivan, P-Nutty's is a delivery service for anything you can think of. Well, anything legal. So if you want real deal smut, or just the latest US Weekly, he is your guy.
Recently, my crew and I decided we needed some ice cream and some crush cigarettes at some ungodly hour in the morning and Sullivan rolled through with the goods, some t-shirts and P-Nut, the dog the company is named for. Call him or text your order and address to 469.232.PNUT, though you may have to request the dog. Bonus: Sullivan will even answer all your annoying questions about what people order from sex shops. (They order dildos!)
So go ahead, get the ice cream, get the booze and then get yourself together, singletons. February 15 is a whole new day and you should be ready to attack the coming weekend with your make-out mix in hand.