Exclusive: Back Row Coverage of ACL 2012

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I didn't have a band schedule at ACL, and I also don't have the elbow strength or intimidating enough boobs to work my way through thousands of thousands of hippies and people to get to the front row of any of the concerts I saw this weekend.

So, here is my review of ACL from the back row of every show I saw. Without knowing the names of any of the bands I was seeing.


Two girls named Tammy and Sally sang about doing it. They talked funny. I'm not sure why they talk so funny, but they're super good at harmonies and wearing sunglasses.

The Kentucky Pukes were playing on a small stage, but they had a huge crowd. I tried to walk through it to get to the bar for a beer, but I got stuck in the middle of it like a person stuck in the middle of thousands of people. My stuckness ended when a lady yelling, "REAL BABY. REAL ACTUAL BABY," pushed her way through the crowd using her real-actual-baby-filled stroller as a weapon. I walked behind her until I could see daylight again. That's when I reminded myself, "Next year, I have to remember to pack a baby." You think you're ready for ACL, but someone else always shows up a little more prepared than you.

During the last show of the night, this dude in a spandex tuxedo talked so incredibly loudly about his gloves that I couldn't hear what the bouncy green thing with its head on fire was crying about.


On this day, the random one-minute torrential downpours turned ACL fest into a shit show, once again. Flashbacks to 2009's Dillo Dirt could be heard coming from the poncho-wearing attendees:

"My boss got a pretty solid staph infection that year."

"Oh, no. No -- don't do it. They're gonna do it. They're slip-n-sliding in the shit again because they think it's just mud. But it's shit."

The mudshits were worst by the food court. Nearby, a woman slipped in Shitski River and fell on her ass, sending her burger flying into the air. I carefully traveled my The Mighty Cones from the food court all the way across Poopdump Mountain. And then I got to see a girl sing about hammers. Or beating hamsters. It was hard to tell. But, thousands of people seemed to like it. So I hope it wasn't hamsters.

After the hammer girl, there was that band that everyone likes. That's pretty much the band ACL was built to book. The fans all bop their heads back and forth and sing "Oooooooh" together in harmony and then they bop their heads some more. If Eminem were standing in this crowd, he would be completely confused. Except for the pot part.

During the Edward Scissorhands show, I was trying to concentrate on the ghost chick playing the violin but some loud girl next to me yelled at her friend, "OK, fine. I'll put it in your backpack. Just don't tell anyone there's angel dust in your backpack." And this asshole was updating his Facebook status. "I'M AT A PLACE DOING A THING!"


Watched thousands of people in a crowd sweetly sing a radio edit and then leave the stage to see another band. Harsh. So, I stayed. Then I watched a bunch of old guys play guitars really fast.

At this point, all of the love songs had started to run together. It was, according to the ACL schedule, time to hear an actor yell "pussy" so much that I doubt that he knows anything about pussy. Pretty sure that guy's show is some extended stunt joke. "What if, instead of doing stand-up or TV shows, I just got up there and yelled about Facebook messages and vaginas? I bet people would scream if I told them to scream." Current status of the stunt joke: It appears to be working. Congratulations.

And then, a hippie lit a lantern on fire and let it fly into the sky during the sock guy's songs.

ACL 2012: complete.

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