Apparently the youth of today can sometimes be found in "pits" and within these pits it is agreed upon that they will "mosh," a word that covers a variety of bodily gyrations and movements. While in Britain obviously we call them "polite sections" where everyone vigorously shakes hands and nods gently in time to the music, I've been here long enough now that I've seen a thing or two.*
• Here's the most important thing - venues that discourage said pits down the front by the stage are the worst. Leave it out guys; people are just moving up and down very rapidly, it's not the beaches at Normandy. If they are indeed not douche enough to pay heed to the following tips, then we are all perfectly capable of having a good time without stopping things. I think I'm biased, mind you - the first gig I ever played got stopped mid-song by the sound guy after a moshpit started encroaching on the stage. In the unlikely event you're reading this, sound guy from a now defunct bar in Cardiff, you are worse than herpes.
• IF SOMEONE FALLS OVER, STOP WHAT YOU'RE DOING AND HELP THEM UP. Seriously. That's how people get hurt. One of the scariest things I've ever seen is someone in a pit at Reading Festival going into an epileptic fit, which resulted in him writhing around while about five people tried to hold back a crowd of thousands. One lone hero carried him all the way out over his shoulder.
• The aim of a mosh pit is not to smash into other people as hard as you possibly can. If you think charging at someone shoulder-first, especially if they're not expecting it, is a good idea then please remove yourself from the venue and retreat to an underground bunker to await the apocalypse that douches like yourself will surely one day bring on. Also, forcefully pushing people back into the ring of non-moshing people is really, really, really annoying. Grow up.
• There's no "best at moshing." Just have a good time. Forget about what people around you are doing. On the edge of a moshpit and people are smashing into you? Yeah, that's going to happen, due to the douches from the previous step.
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• However, if there are shoulder-barging douches around you in the pit, and they are too drunk to reason with, it might be best to leave the pit. Security should be on any pit that gets out of control. That's the thing - moshpits are an excellent time, and should be encouraged by venues, however there is a thin line between exuberant happiness at music and overwhelming idiocy. That line is crossed when people stop focusing on the live music and start focusing on hurting people. STOP. IT.
• High heels? Really? You're going to wear high heels?
*Still, much of the advice here comes from Rachael, whose loud music shenanigans are without equal.