How Would Jesus Roll?

Jesus is risen, bitches! Nothing commemorates the resurrection of our Lord and Savior like pastel-colored wicker baskets lined with plastic grass and filled with marshmallow chicks, chocolate bunnies and jelly beans. Here's Your Official Easter Playlist. Jam it when you're coming down from that sugar high in the waiting room at the dentist's office.

"I Love a Rainy Night" —Eddie Rabbitt

Get it? His last name is "rabbit." Like the Easter Bunny. We'll go ahead and let you know up front that we're going to use that same lame gag at least one more time. At least.

"Easter Parade" —Judy Garland and Fred Astaire

Irving Berlin's soaring theme to the Academy Award-winning musical film of the same name. Aspiring dancers fall in and out of love, livin' and learnin' and learnin' about life, love and lovin' life. Kinda like Save the Last Dance or You Got Served if they were set in 1912 and made in 1948.

"The Purple People Easter" —Sha Na Na

Actually, it's "The Purple People Eater" but iTunes misspelled it. You didn't think we came up with these lists using our own encyclopedic knowledge of music, did you? Clearly, that ain't the case.

"Easter 1727: Partita No. 2 in C minor" —Johann Sebastian Bach

Rumor has it that Bach composed this smoking hot club jam during one of his infamous snuff and truffle benders.

"Castration Crucifixion" —G.G. Allin

Remember when a song like this would've been considered to be in really, really poor taste?

"The Stench of Crucifixion" —Incantation

That's more like it.

"Trucks, Trucks, Trucks, Trucks, Trucks, Trucks, Trucks" —those Rodeo Ford commercials

This jingle has nothing to do with Easter or the resurrection of Christ, but it is just as miraculous and life-affirming, if not more so.

"Resurrection" —John Tesh

The multi-faceted Tesh performs a joyfully sluggish piano piece while solemnly reciting Bible verses about Jesus freaking people out. Ya know, on account of the fact that he's now a zombie.

"Sunday" —Nick Drake

Put this song on a continuous loop, walk around making dry, stilted, matter-of-fact observations about your life and surroundings, and voilà, you're a character from a Wes Anderson movie.

"Cars With the Boom" —L'Trimm

They're Tigra and Bunny and they like the boom.

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Geoff Johnston

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