The first week of college is here, so the Observer staff is providing you with some tips to get your through the first week/month/year.
See also: Six albums to torture your roommate with
College dorms are small, which means two things: It's pretty impossible to escape certain situations that will inevitably play out before your eyes. Also, you'll always be three feet away from that obscenely huge stereo system your parents got you for graduation.
So when those inevitable scenarios arise, it's important to always have the best soundtrack ready to go. Not sure what do when your roommate gets dumped while you daftly sit on the opposite bed? We have the solution.
Your roommate thinks you're asleep and engages in sexy time with his/her significant other across the room. You're not impressed.
Anything by the Geto Boys.
Nothing ruins a mood quite like Bushwick Bill's ramblings about Everclear. If that doesn't work, you're going to have to fake being asleep.
Your roommate just started playing Jason Mraz's "I Won't Give Up" for the five hundredth time.
The Datsuns, "MF From Hell"
Un-Mraz yourself by cranking up The Datsuns' one decent contribution to music.
Your overachieving roommate is trying to study.
Kreayshawn, "Gucci Gucci"
Knock your roomate down a few grade points with one of the most annoying and awesome rap songs of the last few years. Then, mention Kreayshawn's upcoming performance on Friday, November 2, at Palladium Ballroom.
The super-religious parents of your roommate drop in with a care package for him or her and some suggestions on tidying up the place.
Funkadelic, "Get Off Your Ass And Jam"
Your roommate's mother will drop the bundt cake on the linoleum floor before the song's first guitar solo starts.
Your roommate gets dumped by their high school sweetheart.
Richard Marx, "Right Here Waiting For You"
Assure your roommate that their high school sweetheart other will undoubtedly return, and they should wait patiently.
Your roommate pledges his undying love for his or her high school sweetheart when you've already seen them trying to score on campus.
Rollins Band, "Liar"
But really, can you blame them?
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Your roommate is puking in the sink at 3 a.m.
Philip Glass, "Glassworks"
Philip Glass might lift their spirits by turning the whole experience into a sort of contemporary performance art piece. Create a slow, sad montage of vomit.
Your mini fridge was fully stocked with beer. Your roommate looks guilty and drunk.
Cee Lo Green, "Fuck You"
What could be worse?
Your floor is so cluttered with your roommate's debris, getting from your bed to the front door requires some Cirque De Soleil level gymnastics.
Mission Impossible Theme Music (Remix)
Pretend you're in the middle of a diamond heist. Using stale pizza slices as ninja stars is helpful.
You are starving, but the campus cafeteria is closed and you're out of food.
Y.N. Rich Kids, "Hot Cheetos and Takis"
Take the advice of these youngsters and hit the corner store.