Happy Sunday, Friends! While you were out having a nice, relaxing weekend full of neighbors and sun and beers and loveliness, I was at the 2010 Texas Republican Party Convention having a blast talking about 'Murka and stuff. It was a fun- and camo-filled two days, but I've managed to simmer it down to a slow boil of a few do's and don'ts of the convention, so's you can be prepared next time the GOP comes a-calling.
DO: Get pissed off about the burning of the American flag by damned godless liberals.
DO: Put the American flag on anything and everything that has the means and room to be emblazoned with the American flag, including ties, polo shirts and the seat of your Jazzy scooter.
DO: Be the first delegate to spot a non-white person and give them a patronizing side-hug.
DO: Cite your Latino/black/whatever friend who proves that the Texas Republican Party is not pretty much exclusively for white people.
DO: Solicit jokes by e-mail from all your friends before you host the Friday night "Boots and Barbeque Banquet" keynote address, as former Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz did.
DO: Just effing introduce the next speaker, already.
DO: Laugh at Bill White jokes during the Friday night "Boots and Barbeque Banquet" keynote address.
DON'T: Acknowledge that Bill White doesn't have a prayer and that laughing at him is kind of like kicking the short kid and taking all his red Starburst and leaving him with the crappy orange ones.
DO: Note, as Pete Sessions did during his introduction to the keynote speaker, that Michele Bachmann, aforementioned keynote speaker for the Friday night "Boots and Barbeque Banquet" is a person who, quote, sees things others do not.
DON'T: See the irony in that statement, because that woman is batshit.
DO: Be Michele Bachmann and tell a 25-minute story about people fighting a "U2" boat in their underwear and expect people to be inspired and moved.
DON'T: Just go to the bathroom because WHAT THE HELL IS SHE TALKING ABOUT.
DO: Be any number of GOP convention speakers and make salient points about fiscal restraint, limited government and cutting taxes.
DON'T: Realize that peppering those points with yammering about the gays and policing female sexuality makes you sound intolerant but oh, hey, and also guns!
DO: Show inspirational montages to bored delegates that include shots of lemonade stands, corn fields and bald eagles.
DON'T: Stop playing Toby Keith for chrissakes!
DO: Show more inspirational montages to bored delegates, but this time with mustaches!
DON'T: Spell it "moustaches" like the damned godless French.
DO: Head up to Reunion Tower at the Hyatt after the convention because the view is pretty baller.
DON'T: No, really. It's nice.
DO: Bitch about people who seek free handouts from hard-working Americans.
DON'T: Miss standing in line for 45 minutes to get a cup of free ice cream at the Greg Abbott for Texas Ice Cream Social.
DO: Wait in line to get your photo taken with Greg Abbott at his ice cream social.
DON'T: Wait for Christmas to wait in line to get your photo taken with an overzealous white dude.
DO: Say that the military is "not a social experiment" and therefore shouldn't have gays in it.
DO: Say, as Congressman Louie Gohmert did, "imitation of immigration is the highest form of flattery," when lobbying for American immigration policies that mirror Mexico's.
DON'T: Realize that there are many serious and understandable reasons worth thinking critically about with regard to the fact that nobody from America wants to emigrate to Mexico and maybe that is a stupid comparison to make.
DO: Clap when a photo of a cardboard cut-out of Sarah Palin is flashed up on the big screen.
DO: Take pride in feeling oppressed and silenced because you're a white Christian in the United States of America.
DON'T: Okay, seriously guys.
DO: Pray at every available opportunity.
DON'T: Acknowledge that it's another opportunity to squeeze in some heavy-handed political posturing.
DO: Be Dan Branch.
DO: Force a floor vote that takes two unnecessary hours even though you've been soundly run out of office with a massive majority vote, as (former) Texas Republican Party Chairperson Cathie Adams did.
DON'T: Can we go home already?
DO: Invite Gov. Haley Barbour of Mississippi to come speak at your convention.
DON'T: Remember that Barbour is the governor of a state that absolutely no one in their right mind would aspire to emulate.
DO: Lobby to get the Tea Party on board with Republican Party ideals and, moreover, secure their votes.
DON'T: Forget to wear your rhinestone-studded teapot pin and matching earrings.
DO: Grab the toe of an unsuspecting reporter from the Dallas Observer and tell her she's adorable.
DON'T: Hesitate to patronize women.
DO: The wave with "Steve Munisteri for party chairman" signs.
DO: Backpedal on your basic platform when you realize you have not won the party chairman election, as Tom Mechler did not, and say that maybe actually Steve Munisteri is not going to seek out and slaughter babies in their cribs as you may have once led people to believe.
DON'T: Kill any possible last ditch effort at being given a place in your state party's affairs.
DO: Take 15 minutes to calculate a landslide vote in Steve Munisteri's favor.
DON'T: Own an effing calculator.
MURKA! MURKA! MURKA!
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See you guys tomorrow.