Suck it, boring sunny weather. Now we have something to live in fear of. The chaos of a Dallas winter begins again in earnest next week, when the very safety and security of every single person in Dallas is threatened by the Arctic Blast, which may or may not bring ice. We're going to say it will bring ice by the truckload, once again thrusting Dallas into a post-apocalyptic era of impassable freeways and stores empty of bread.
With temperatures threatening to PLUNGE into the 30s (not the 1930s, it was colder then, almost certainly because there was no Obama), it's best to start making your preparations now. Here are several things you can do to prepare for The Arctic Blast. Now I think of it, Arctic Blast is almost certainly a variety of Gatorade, meaning that this apocalypse almost certainly has something to do with the Illuminati (WAKE UP SHEEPLE), because, you know, big business and the New World Order, a group of wrestlers from WCW in the 1990s.
Anyway. Yes. Things to do to prepare for #ARCTICBLAST:
- Hide. This is very important. The ice will bring with it several packs of ferocious ice wolves, none of whom are your friends.
- Buy all of the bread in Kroger, but available evidence suggests you already know that.
- Get some of that Deep Heat spray, perfect for spraying on your face on a cold day.
- Franzia boxed wine is the best combination of ABV and low cost, with the added value that it'll taste awful whatever temperature it's stored at.
- If you start burning your belongings now, you'll have a decent fire going by next week, depending on how flame-retardant things you own are.
- Build a shrine to St. Delkus and teach your children it is their Lord and savior now.
- EAT EVERYTHING. The fatter you are, the longer you'll last or the better you'll burn in case you draw the short straw among your family when the supplies run out.
Obviously we'll have more next week as the true terror of this situation dawns, because I am your faithful icepocalypse weather forecaster, who will blog wherever there is electricity and enough Franzia.
Polar plunge! Temps struggle to make it to 50s by end of next week. Haven't seen high temps this cold since February! pic.twitter.com/sCy8Zn8ZjI
— Pete Delkus (@wfaaweather) November 6, 2014
I'm sure you'll agree the graphic at the top is magnificent.
Keep the Dallas Observer Free... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Dallas with no paywalls.