Cash on delivery

So Republicans want to put the Ten Commandments in public schools? Dallas Independent School District is already one-tenth of the way there, at least among its administrative staff.

Earlier this month, DISD Chief Financial Officer Janice D. Davis sent a memo to principals, department heads, and vendors telling them not to pay or seek payment for goods that the district hasn't received.

"This memo is to serve as a reminder that it is a violation of state law for a vendor to submit invoices to the District for merchandise that has not been received by the District," she wrote. It's also against the law for DISD employees to send off checks for goods that haven't been delivered, and employees have been canned in the past for doing that, she added.

That sounded like a bureaucratic way of saying "thou shall not steal" to Buzz, a fact that piqued our curiosity since theft of public money is more than just a firing offense. Davis assured us the situation wasn't quite that bad.

"It's just a general reminder to everyone," she says. "We just want to make certain that nobody gets into trouble because they want to hold onto budget money." The problem is that some DISD employees might get the accounting procedures out of order [Imagine that!] and pay for goods before delivery, so as to spend the money before it's taken out of their budget.

"I have no sense that anybody would actually send us an invoice and not send goods," she told Buzz, presumably with a straight face, making her possibly the last person in Dallas to have such an optimistic view of DISD's business practices.

Still, the memo is a start. For the district's next commandment, might Buzz suggest the district try "thou shall not commit adultery." We hear that one was also a bit problematic under previous administrations.

Better him than us

Kenneth Cooper not only has seen George W. Bush naked; he has pinched him all over and may have even stuck a finger up his...sorry, we just can't bring ourselves to finish that sentence. Let's just say that whatever Dr. Cooper earns, it's not enough.

Cooper has been the governor's physician since December 1989. While some big-name politicians favor the Mayo Clinic, Bush prefers to have his pulse taken at the Cooper Clinic, part of the 30-acre Cooper Aerobics Center in North Dallas.

The Bush campaign released a summary of Bush's medical history this week. In it, Cooper reveals that the guv underwent an unspecified minor surgery to his chest wall at age 13 (our guess: breast reduction). He also had colon surgery in July 1998 to remove two benign polyps. Subsequent checks have shown nothing in his guts. (Insert your own National Guard joke here.)

Cooper says Bush weighs 192.5 pounds. Buzz has always thought he was much more of a lightweight. Cooper determined his body fat is 19.11 percent, better than normal but worse than ideal, which describes Bush to a T.

Cooper writes, "The PSA (a test for prostate cancer) was excellent." Was it good for Bush too?

Urinalysis was normal, and we'd be completely irresponsible to report the wholly unsubstantiated rumor that Bush was seen at an Austin head shop, buying a clean-your-whiz kit. So we won't.

Compiled from staff reports by Patrick Williams

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Patrick Williams is editor-in-chief of the Dallas Observer.
Contact: Patrick Williams

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