Wishful thinking
If you can't beat him, find him a new job. That seems to be the strategy among Mayor Ron Kirk's opponents, who continue to float Kirk's name for a variety of jobs--other than mayor, of course.

The Dallas Morning News last week reported rumors that Kirk is considering jobs at Texaco and Exxon, or perhaps a run for the U.S. Senate, but the News missed one. The anti-arena group "It's a Bad Deal" last week posted on its Web site ( news that Kirk will resign in July or August "to take a position as head of the National Democrat Party."

We assume they mean the Democratic National Committee. Whatever. In any event, Buzz figures it would be a step down. As mayor of Dallas, we imagine that at least 10 percent of the city's population knows his name.

Quick, name the DNC chairman. Yeah, us neither. We looked it up. It's Joseph J. Andrew, some guy from Indiana who looks like Howdy Doody's kid brother.

For the record, the mayor's press aide says Kirk is "planning on being a lawyer and a mayor."

Ah, well, we anti-arena cranks can dream, can't we?

The hunk candidate
Cranky dreams are the stuff is made of, thanks to editor Sharon Boyd, a woman after Buzz's own disgruntled heart. In fact, compared with Boyd, Buzz is positively gruntled. Her Web site offers a mix of rumor, innuendo, insults, and snide commentary all aimed at supporting three basic propositions: 1) Ron Kirk is evil; 2) The business establishment is evil; and 3) See the first point.

As reasoned discourse goes, Boyd isn't exactly William F. Buckley. Our favorite comment comes from the site's city council endorsement for District 5 candidate Don Robinson:

"Don Robinson is a tall, quiet spoken but intelligent African-American man. He would bring an unexpected elegance to the council. Don Robinson is our choice."

OK. It's a bit patronizing. We mean real patronizing. But "tall"? "Unexpected elegance"?

Um, what exactly is Don her choice for?

What's in a name
The media love letters to Gov. George W. Bush keep rolling in, the latest from Fortune magazine, which reports Bush has all the characteristics of Abe Lincoln, except the beard.

Folksy, homespun preppie, born again, amiable, modest. It's another year before the primary season, and the herd's reporting already bores Buzz. Please, someone get the media some new adjectives.

Goofy, for instance.
That one springs to mind thanks to Bush's habit of giving cutesy little nicknames to Austin politicos. Attorney General John Cornyn is General Corndog. State Sen. Florence Shapiro is Flo-Jo. Bush's chief political consultant Karl Rove is Turd Blossom. (Ironically, that occasionally was one of our mother's pet names for us as a child. We didn't like it then, and be forewarned. Buzz grew up and bought a gun.)

Bush's happy-go-lucky persona, which Buzz reckons is being constructed by focus groups, makes us yearn for a mean, business-backed S.O.B. Republican like Bill Clements, or a mean, folksy, redneck S.O.B. Republican like Clayton Williams. With Bush, we feel as though we're choking on saccharine.

--Compiled from staff reports by Patrick Williams

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Patrick Williams is editor-in-chief of the Dallas Observer.
Contact: Patrick Williams