Lord bought 'em a Mercedes Benz
You probably didn't hear about the recent civil disturbance in the Park Cities. In a Dallas blueblood equivalent of a soccer riot, the Parkies got positively inflamed about projection problems with First Wives' Club at the Highland Park Village Theater.

After the first couple of minutes of distorted sound--screeching and crackling--the Parkies started making that clucking sound unique to their tribe; you know, tsk-tsk-ing like your great aunt does when you drink out of the milk carton. But that didn't seem to fix the film. And when the distortion continued to the point that folks in any other theater would have been stomping their feet and screaming for the manager--the Parkies escalated their response to sighs. (Moviegoers in another, let us say common, part of town recently suffered through a similar experience during Independence Day--and an usher was nearly dismembered as a result.)

But this is the Park Cities, where folks like to keep their knickers on no matter how heinous the injustice they must endure. That is, until the film's inane Keaton-Hawn-Midler musical number was lost to the maddening crackling. Then, the crowd leapt to their Ferragamo-clad feet and shuffled out with blood in their eyes. Fortunately, the terrified managers were able to lock themselves in their office and avoid an upsetting confrontation with the tastefully dressed mob.

Finally, the crowd--on the verge of breaking into a public sweat--got control of itself and dispersed, though some in it were incensed enough to actually stoop to demanding--and getting--refunds.

One of the near-anarchists was wealthy investment consultant and unsuccessful Democratic Senate candidate Richard Fisher. Fisher appeared bemused by the aborted insurrection and remarked on the irony that many in the mob had probably led anti-war protests in the late '60s-early '70s. "Hey, we're in our 40s now," Fisher said as he watched the now-orderly crowd shuffle toward their baby Benzes and Range Rovers.

Badd odds for Rudy
Arlington Mayor Richard Greene has made the traditional sports bet with New York Mayor Rudolph Guiliani. Greene's proposed bet: If the Rangers beat the Yankees in the divisional series, Greene gets treated to a Broadway show and dinner at Guiliani's favorite restaurant. If the Yankees win, Greene treats Guiliani to a day at Six Flags Over Texas and dinner at Spring Creek Barbeque.

You're saying to yourself, "What does Guiliani get if he wins?"
We'll go through it one more time: If the Rangers win, Greene flies to New York, gets impossible-to-find tickets to Rent, and goes to, let's say, Le Cirque. If the Yankees are victorious, Guiliani gets chain barbeque and a day in an amusement park--and, we must painfully point out, he has to visit Arlington to do it. (Presumably, Greene can get Guiliani into Legends men's club and the Palace of Wax while he's in town.)

In other words, Buzz figures, Guiliani can't win for losing.

--Glen Warchol

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Glen Warchol