Fellow Republicans: A Five-Point Plan to Stop Our Asses From Getting Kicked

To: Lovers of America From: The Republican National Committee RE: Emergency platform changes

Dear Patriots: It seems that 47 percent was somewhat larger than we anticipated in last week's election. Henceforth, we urge all Republicans to adopt these immediate policy changes.

Our new platform on babes. Please refrain from any further discussion of women's health, reproductive issues and/or sexual assault. If you're asked to comment on any of these matters, subtly pivot to safer ground. Suggestions include saying "Some of my best friends are broads" to recounting your glory days as a shutdown defender off the bench for your middle school basketball team.

Here after, our entire platform on babes will be boiled down to two simple policies: "I really like what you've done with your hair" and "There's nothing hotter than a good pair of child-bearing hips."

We are searching for new guys to bag on. Nobody could have foreseen this. But it probably wasn't a good idea to bag on the fastest-growing segment of the electorate.

As a result, we no longer hate Mexicans. Repeat: Mexicans are our friends.

In the coming days, we'll be developing a new group to demonize. Unfortunately, this is proving difficult since we've already exhausted Latinos, blacks, gays, Muslims, welfare moms, Arabs, East Coast liberal effetes, the media and Georgetown law students, just to name a few.

The Research Department believes that Seventh Day Adventists show promise. Their name sounds vaguely apocalyptic and possibly anti-Jesus. (And what exactly are they actually planning for that 7th Day?)

But until our official new villain is released, we ask that you keep your tirades to soft targets like "pundits" and "beltway insiders."

A temporary halt to wars on stuff. Yes, we've seen great traction with our many declarations of war, such as the War on Christmas and the War on Religion. But there is some concern here at headquarters that we've diluted our war brand by creating too many battlefronts.

As you may have gathered, the War on Coal did not sell to our expectations in the mining states of Virginia, Pennsylvania and Ohio. It now appears that voters don't get excited about wars on inanimate objects set on fire for the purpose of cooking pork chops outdoors.

Bill O'Reilly has proposed the possibility of a War on Puppies. His staff is now scouring YouTube for video of a liberal being mean to a dog. But until this campaign is fully developed, we're temporarily calling a cease-fire on all new revelations of war.

Get HR to begin the process of hiring an Oriental kid. Our pre-election denunciation of liberal bias in the polling process didn't work as planned. We have since discovered some startling new information. A quick tutorial: Polling organizations are businesses.

These businesses have difficulty getting repeat business if their polls are inaccurate. Conclusion: There is no business incentive for producing biased polls.

We understand that math can be confusing. And we're not asking that you actually comprehend it, especially if you were educated south of Kentucky. We're simply suggesting that every campaign hire an Oriental kid who can explain what's a liberal conspiracy and what's just math.

To assuage your payroll concerns, it should be noted that Oriental kids will work for less-than-minimum wage and require no benefits. (Mitch McConnell pays his in Mountain Dew and Chik-fil-A coupons.)

Re-energizing elderly white men. Our analysis makes clear that we lost this election when our core demographic -- older white males -- failed to vote last Tuesday due to a Golden Girls marathon on WGN.

Research is now working on legislation to incentivize white seniors through tax deductions on riding lawn mowers and stamp collections. John Boehner will also be presenting a bill indemnifying our elderly for shooting children who trespass on their lawns.

But we also urge you to speak to your pastor about shaming them before the congregation. Forsaking a patriotic duty to lust after tawdry showbiz personalities is an undoubtedly a sin.

We believe that if we can rejuvenate the elderly white vote, world dominance will once again be ours in 2014.

KEEP THE DALLAS OBSERVER FREE... Since we started the Dallas Observer, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Dallas, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Pete Kotz
Contact: Pete Kotz

Latest Stories