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10 Better Ways for Dallas to Get Rid of the Confederate War Memorial

Dallas' Confederate War Memorial should be removed, the city's Confederate Monuments Task Force said.
Dallas' Confederate War Memorial should be removed, the city's Confederate Monuments Task Force said.
Mark Arthue

Following a Dallas City Council discussion Wednesday, it seems clear that Dallas' Confederate War Memorial is going to get removed from the park between Dallas City Hall and the convention center at some point. A majority of the council wants it gone, and there is little public resistance to the obelisk's removal. Thanks to Dallas' bureaucracy, however, it's going to take some time, perhaps months, to actually get going on the takedown, because the council has yet to take a final vote and, even after it does, the Dallas Landmark Commission will have to sign off on the process. (We're assuming the commission members will OK the removal rather than face the prospect of being labeled a bunch of Jim Crow-loving racists by, well, us to start with.)

Once the approval is final, dumping the statue is going to be expensive. According to city staff, getting rid of the thing and storing it are going to cost $480,000. It doesn't have to be that way, though.

Here are 10 cheaper ways to finish off the memorial.

1. $10 gets you 10 minutes with a sledgehammer and the statue. — This way, the city would actually come out ahead on the deal.

2. Implode it. — Who doesn't like a good implosion. Dallas could sell tickets to offset the cost. 

3. Put a bounty on it. — Starting at $1,000, increase the bounty on the statue's removal by $1,000 daily until someone comes and hauls it off themselves.

4. Bring in David Blaine to make it disappear.

5. Call the strongmen. — Invite the World's Strongest Man contest to Dallas and let the hopefuls take their best shot at pulling it down. By Visit Dallas' math, having such a prestigious sports event in the city should bring in hundreds of millions in tourist revenue to offset any rubble cleanup costs. 

6. Start fracking in the park. — An earthquake will take the statue out. Plus, fracking in public parks doesn't even require the City Council's approval, according to the previous city manager.

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7. Summon the scooters. — Ten won't bring the memorial down, but 10,000 might.

8. Call Wylie and ask them to use their "tank."Those military vehicles DFW's suburban police departments are collecting ought to be used for something, right?

9. Make Mexico pay for it. — Ba-dum-tshh

10. Harness Museum Tower's power. — Line up some mirrors across downtown from the Arts District eyesore, collect sunlight and vaporize the thing.

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