It's Been Raining in Dallas for a Couple Hours Straight, Better Shut This Shit Down

Yesterday, it rained on and off for the whole day. And today, it appears that the rain is here to stay all day. Look for that text about your kid's school closing. It's only a matter of time.

Upon hearing that school districts were considering closing early due to "heavy rain conditions and the threat of more rain and a possible snowflake (which we'll name #snowflakemageddon)," I spoke with some school districts to get more texture about the reasoning behind closings.

First, I called, RISD, the school district my daughter attends.

Me: Hello, RISD. Why are you closing early due to the threat of rain and more rain? Some would say, "It's just rain." And they would be factually correct.

RISD: Can you please call DISD and ask them why we're all closing? We really have no idea. It's all up to them. We pretend to make our own choices about closing or not, but really, we just watch to see if they close, then wait about four hours, then announce that we're closing, too.

So, I called DISD.

Me: Hi, DISD! First off: Hook 'em! Go Marsh Matadors! Gooch Gators 4-eva! When I was younger, I was inside you regularly! OK, secondly: why are you choosing to close the entire school district, and as a result, all of Dallas, because of the threat of rain today?

DISD: I mean, basically because fuck it. We're sick and tired of all this shitty weather. If we wanted to live in Portland, we'd stop taking showers, pack some kombucha in our beards, ride our fixies there and call it a damned day. But we don't want to live in Portland. We want to live in Dallas. We want to ride our fixies here on roads that aren't bike-friendly and drink kombucha from our beards on a 75-degree day in February. And until Dallas weather decides to go back to being Dallas weather, we're fuckin' locking our doors and sleeping in our closets wearing helmets for safety. This is all about safety, after all. I drive a Lexus SUV. And we all know those cars are not build to handle roads with rain on them. I mean, I was texting and driving when it was sleeting the other day and I almost hit a curb -- that's a big deciding factor: If I can't text and drive in the weather, it's just not a good idea for anyone to be out in it at all.

As a result of DISD announcing its early closing today, all schools, churches, government buildings and FedEx and UPS drivers are calling it quits. Everything is closed. Shut. It. Down, Dallas. DISD runs this piece, and you all know it. Stay safe out there, Dallas. Rain is a scary, scary thing. And instead of preparing for bad weather in advance, it is best that we all just hide in our cubbies and fear it. Best for everyone.

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Alice Laussade writes about food, kids, music, and anything else she finds to be completely ridiculous. She created and hosts the Dallas event, Meat Fight, which is a barbecue competition and fundraiser that benefits the National MS Society. Last year, the event raised $100,000 for people living with MS, and 750 people could be seen shoving sausage links into their faces. And one time, she won a James Beard Award for Humor in Writing. That was pretty cool.
Contact: Alice Laussade