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Oscar Overhaul

If nothing else, Jon Stewart certainly ranks as one of Oscar's ... um ... sportsiest hosts. Maybe?
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At the risk of offending our nationally acclaimed film connoisseur, I poked around a little on all my Internets today and realized I haven’t seen any of the flicks up for Best Picture in this year’s Oscars. Not a one. Funny, ‘cuz I’ll make time to watch Sunday night’s Academy Awards LXXX. I’m weird like that.

I like that host Jon Stewart played college soccer at William & Mary -- or, as the photo at right shows, at least wore the T-shirt. I like that Hollywood’s Kodak Theater will be overflowing with red carpet, black tuxedos and white cleavage deliciously breaching its levee. I like that, despite the suffocating ambiance of self-importance, you can almost always count on something crazier than Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows.

I don’t like, however, how the silver screen society is shunning sports. You’re telling me Blades of Glory, The Comebacks and Who’s Your Caddy? ain’t up for shit? Fine, I’m just sayin’ the Academy should intermingle with athletics. Screenplays and screen plays, ya know? I’m not asking for the presenters list to include Oscars Gamble, De La Hoya, Robertson and Madison. I’m just looking for a little eye black with my black tie, and a fresh infusion of subtle sports subplots in the top nominees. Like, say, perhaps:

Michael Clayton: After his client’s dubious debut with his new-old team, an attorney known as “The Fixer” alerts the Mavericks that Jason Kidd is invoking his trade veto power, because, upon further review, an upside down 5 looks nothing like a 2. Panicked for a suitor, Dallas swaps Devin Harris for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers’ namesake receiver.

No Country for Old Men: At the strangest of campaign stops, Barack Obama stuns a packed Reunion Arena by anointing a hunter who stumbled upon some stuff as his running mate and announcing that his platform includes the immediate banishment of 60-somethings Jerry Jones and Wade Phillips from the Dallas Cowboys and, in fact, the U.S.A.

Juno: Basking in the glow of network TV stardom fueled by his Jenga sensation, Mark Cuban kicks off Benefactor 2 with a twisted version of an old card game between pregnant teens vying for adoptive parents.

There Will Be Blood: Having landed his own ESPN Radio show with unconventional sidekicks Jon Koncak, Erykah Badu and a turn-of-the-century prospector, Greg Williams delivers a chilling opening line in declaring war against his former frat brothers at The Ticket.

Atonement: Quashing false accusations that Jessica Simpson wears the pants in his family and that his hat is actually on straight but his head is on backward, Tony Romo silences his critics by up and winning a playoff game. --Richie Whitt

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